


riverdale's lesbians (groupchat fic)

by prismvtic



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Texting, betty denies her sexuality 25/8, betty gets dragged a lot tbh so betty stans be warned, ethel is too pure for the world, everyone wants to d8 cheryl, except for my bi queens veronica and toni, ginger and tina need appreciation from cheryl, groupchat, josie is basically gay beyonce, midge is high all the time, sabrina is a fuckgirl, toni is less of a fuckgirl than sabrina, valerie and melody are actually rihanna and nicki, veronica is pussy whipped
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-02-10 14:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 20,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12913578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prismvtic/pseuds/prismvtic
Summary: cherry cola: how can so much hotness fit in a 5'3" womanblue jasmine: i'm 5'2"ginger spice: obviously she wasn't talking about youpussy queen: AWWWWW THANKS CHERYLsnake girl: YOU ROCK CHERYL MY QUEENpussy queen: WAIT WHATsnake girl: WHAT WAITnancy drew: what a twist! they're both the same height.tina cohen-chang: ooh cheryl u fucked uppussy princess: you better be talking about my girl josie, cherylpussy dame: i thought i was your girl :(klumpster: i am so high rn i can see stars and jesus blessing me with big titted women and controversymuggz: and this was how world war iii started in the little town of riverdalewitch bitch: iT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG





	1. cheryl blossom - your problematic fave

**Author's Note:**

> i made this bc i was bored. so like...enjoy?

cherry cola added pussy queen, witch bitch, snake girl, blue jasmine, and nancy drew to the chat.

cherry cola changed the chat's name to CHERYL'S BITCHES.

snake girl: hEY I AM NO ONE'S BITCH

snake girl: I'M FUCKING TONI TOPAZ

witch bitch: same

snake girl: SABRINA SHUT UP YOU STUPID LESBIAN FUCKGIRL OMG

cherry cola: somebody's triggered :)

pussy queen: i'm :) triggered :)

blue jasmine: who would DARE trigger queen josie

pussy queen: cheryl bc she looks so good in red like d a m n look at that ass

nancy drew: HEY EXCUSE ME GUYS?

nancy drew: I AM IN CHEMISTRY AND TRYING TO LEARN! SO PLEASE CAN YOU SHUT UP OR THE TEACHER IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!

blue jasmine: ok betty i'm sorry <3

cherry cola: basic betty is such a nerd

witch bitch: nerds are gross i like rebels

snake girl: s ab r i na

witch bitch: a rebel known as veronica lodge

blue jasmine: oooh yas girl i can be ur rebel

snake girl: AM I ABOUT TO WHOOP SOME NORTHSIDE ASS

nancy drew: SERIOUSLY. SHUT. UP.

pussy queen: guys betty is so mad her ears are pink and everything it's so fucken funny

cherry cola: everything betty does is funny she's a walking talking joke

blue jasmine: but she's still cute

witch bitch: g a yyyyyyy

blue jasmine: *bi

snake girl: ok veronica is off my list bc we're both bisexuals

cherry cola: veronica is only bi bc she made out with archie in a closet

pussy queen: CHERYL DON'T BE BIPHOBIC

cherry cola: hOW IS THAT BIPHOBIC

blue jasmine: blossom i am currently capable of liking boys and girls. i even DATED archie. that's a new low even for you.

cherry cola: omg she's using punctuation i fucked up

snake girl: rip cheryl blossom

nancy drew: i came here to say that i find cheryl being dragged hilarious. okay, gotta get back to class!

cherry cola: i could be wholesome i could be loathsome i guess i'm a little bit shy

cherry cola: why don't you like me? why don't you like me without making me try?

cherry cola: i try to be like grace kelly but all her looks were too sad

cherry cola: so i try a little freddie i've gone identity mad!

pussy queen: cheryl i love you but please stop singing that goddamn song

blue jasmine: SHE SAID I LOVE YOU CHEROSIE IS REAL

witch bitch: CHEROSIE CHEROSIE CHEROSIE CHEROSIE

snake girl: HOOOOOOOOOOO

nancy drew: I WILL NOT HESITATE TO GO DARK BETTY ON YOU GUYS! SHUT UP!

witch bitch: did you mean dark bebby?

pussy queen: N O OOOOOO

blue jasmine: tit's time 2 stop

snake girl: lololol she said tit

cherry cola: guys

blue jasmine: what

cherry cola: fact: everyone wants a taste of my maple syrup

nancy drew: no.

blue jasmine: yes

pussy queen: STAY IN UR LANE LODGE

witch bitch: i would love some of cheryl's maple syrup

pussy queen: !?!?!??!?!?

snake girl: same tbh

pussy queen: I HATE YOU ALL EXCEPT FOR BETTY AND CHERYL

cherry cola: betty would rather have veronica's maple syrup

nancy drew: I'M STRAIGHT!!!!

blue jasmine: sure jan :)


	2. v for vagina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally?? did not expect?? all of this support?? thank y'all sm omg

nancy drew: guys

pussy queen: tf you want ho

nancy drew: that wasn't very nice.

blue jasmine: hi betty what's up?

nancy drew: i got a date with jughead!

snake girl removed nancy drew from the chat.

snake girl: fuck no

snake girl: not my baby boy jughead HE DESERVES SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT BLONDE WITCH

witch bitch: the only blonde witch here is ME topaz

cherry cola: lolololol betty and jughead i'm ctfu

cherry cola: ...wait was she serious

blue jasmine: yeah

pussy queen: wtf how did she move on from justin gingerlake so fast

blue jasmine: archie is rly boring he's a cheap rip-off of troy bolton

blue jasmine: and he's a bad kisser

cherry cola: or maybe you're just a bad kisser

snake girl: JUGHEAD IS A BAD KISSER I KISSED HIM LIKE A YEAR AGO AND IT WAS SO WEIRD HE'S LIKE A FISH

pussy queen: jughead and archie cancel each other out in their kissing abilities that's why they're friends

witch bitch: wait is jughead the kid with the crown beanie and looks like a fucking hobo

snake girl: yeah

witch bitch: BETTY WHATAREYOUDOING FFUDIDFUI

snake girl: what is that supposed to mean??? is my best friend??? not good enough??? for you????

witch bitch: if she's gonna have a beard.....at least make sure he's attractive

pussy queen: guys veronica has been quiet

cherry cola: u ok mija

blue jasmine: don't call me mija first of all and second of all i'm fine! just making plans with kevin

snake girl: kevin keller is a pansy can't believe joaquin was into him

pussy queen: wym kevin is actually so chill

witch bitch: he said my eyebrows were on fleek when i last visited

cherry cola: where are you and the gay going

blue jasmine: pops

snake girl: that's where betty and jughead are going on their "date" jug just told me

blue jasmine: ohhhhh god it's too late now

cherry cola: want me to come veronica? i can make things more interesting ;)

blue jasmine: you know what w/e fine

cherry cola added nancy drew to the chat.

cherry cola: why yes veronica i would love to go on a date with you!

witch bitch: OHMYGOD CHERYL FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

snake girl: AHDSUIHIUSFIUFSIUUISO

pussy queen: BLOSSOM WHAT THE FUCK

nancy drew: WHAT IN TARNATION!??!?!?!??!?!

blue jasmine: sure....can't wait

nancy drew: VERONICA

blue jasmine: what

nancy drew: A DATE WITH CHERYL???

cherry cola: don't act jealous betty ;) i know you want a piece

pussy queen: CHERYL THAT IS YOUR COUSIN THAT YOU ARE FLIRTING WITH

cherry cola: *third cousin

witch bitch: LIKE THAT'S ANY BETTER

nancy drew: the blossoms are incestuous. cheryl even said so herself that her twin is her soulmate. 

snake girl: the coopers are incestuous bc polly got preggo from jason

blue jasmine: they ARE both incestuous bc they're the SAME FAMILY

nancy drew: i thought you would back me up v???

pussy queen: every time betty says v i keep thinking of v for vendetta

cherry cola: v for vagina

blue jasmine: C H E R Y L

nancy drew: anyways, i got a date now. bye!

snake girl: bye blonde witch

witch bitch: hEY i'M STILL HERE

 


	3. betty has a dark secret

cherry cola: guys i came up with the symptoms of being a member of the riverdale sapphic clan

cherry cola: 1. you worship josie and the pussycats

cherry cola: 2. you have wanted to fuck me or veronica in the past 24 hrs - bonus if both

cherry cola: 3. you ship clexa

nancy drew: how...many...times...do...i...have...to...say...this

snake girl: jughead is a bad kisser? bitch we been knew

nancy drew: NO!

nancy drew: I AM NOT A LESBIAN OR SAPPHIC OR ANYTHING!

pussy queen: the thing you were doing to veronica in that journal of yours was pretty lesbian

nancy drew: wait what how did you even

blue jasmine: jOSIE DID YOU BREAK INTO BETTY'S HOUSE

cherry cola: no i did i told mrs cooper that i had to take a shit

nancy drew: my mom??? believed that??

cherry cola: lol no i just shoved her over and walked inside and took the journal

cherry cola: and then we read it

cherry cola: betty is very kinky

snake girl: i'm ctfu this bitch is supposed to be innocent and she's a closet freak

blue jasmine: i don't know if i should be shook or turned on that betty wrote sexual fantasies about me in her journal

nancy drew: STOP I'M SO EMBARRASSED

pussy queen: oh no there isn't just veronica in there

pussy queen: there's one with toni

snake girl: w h a t

blue jasmine: wh at

cherry cola: my favorite was the threesome with me and veronica

nancy drew: GUYS STOP DOING THIS TO ME

witch bitch: hreyyyyy what did i miss

pussy queen: betty is a closet freak and has a smut journal

witch bitch: lololol so not much

cherry cola: bitch why didn't you answer my calls

witch bitch: my cat needed me

witch bitch: both of them ;)

nancy drew: oh my god.

nancy drew: g u ys

nancy drew: i swear i'm not a lesbian. i've liked archie since forever. how can you explain that?

cherry cola: bi?

blue jasmine: bi

witch bitch: baby bi bi bi bI BI

snake girl: ur so bi and u don't even like boys

snake girl: wait i fucked that up

pussy queen: TAKE A LAP TOPAZ TAKE A FUCKING LAP

nancy drew: she isn't wrong tho.

nancy drew: north posted this while playing games on my phone not sure how or why she chose to

cherry cola: exposedddddd

nancy drew: gotta water my chair!


	4. she better call sabrina with the good hair

pussy queen: beyonce giselle knowles carter can murder my pussy any time she wants

snake girl: can i get a hallelujah? can i get an amen?

snake girl: so can rihanna

pussy queen: and nicki omggg nicki

snake girl: tinashe sza solange

pussy queen: j an e lle monae

snake girl: janet jackson

pussy queen: whitney houstonnn

snake girl: diana ross

witch bitch: i am living for this black female singer appreciation fest

witch bitch: but who could forget josie and the pussycats? those are some hot mamas there

cherry cola: hey sabrina?

witch bitch: yes cheryl

cherry cola: stay in ur lane

witch bitch: I HAVE NO LANES IM A FUCKING RECKLESS DRIVER

witch bitch: WEEWOOOWEEOWOOO HERE COME THE COPS CAUSE I BE CURVING BITCHES

snake girl: that's my girl.mp3

blue jasmine: are all greendale girls this weird

nancy drew: i think so.

cherry cola: i like to think sabrina is the lesser of the weird girls in greendale

witch bitch: aww thank u baby

cherry cola: ofc princess <3

pussy queen: lemonade - josie and the pussycats

snake girl: O MG

pussy queen: pray you catch me (whooping sabrina's ass)

pussy queen: hold up (cheryl better stfu)

pussy queen: don't hurt yourself ft. veronica lodge

blue jasmine: YAS I GET A FEATURE PULL UP

pussy queen: sorry (girl bye)

pussy queen: 6 inch ft. sabrina spellman

witch bitch: like the size of reggie's dick

snake girl: its time 2 stop

pussy queen: pussy drought

pussy queen: sandcastles (by sweetwater river)

pussy queen: forward (i'm gay) ft. betty cooper

nancy drew: ohMY

pussy queen: freedom (of the nips) ft. toni topaz

snake girl: honestly a SONG

pussy queen: all night

pussy queen: formation ft. the river vixens except cheryl

cherry cola: josie no

pussy queen: josie yes

nancy drew: when you think that cheryl is the extra one in their relationship, you thought wrong!

blue jasmine: hahahhaa betty ur so funny

pussy queen: you try this shit again? you gon lose your pussycat

cherry cola: josie i'm sorry :((((((

pussy queen: no

witch bitch: cheryl done fucked

blue jasmine: she better call sabrina with the good hair

snake girl: SABRINA WITH THE GOOD HAIR IM DEAD

nancy drew: conspiracy theory: jay-z actually cheated on beyonce with sabrina

witch bitch: why would i ever go straight for that fucken elephant looking boy

blue jasmine: i met jay-z at the met gala once

pussy queen: YOU

cherry cola: WHAT

snake girl: they finished each other's sentences vsihosfhdihdsifhsidfo

snake girl: sorry continue ronnie

blue jasmine: he said i had a nice dress and that my dad was scary

nancy drew: your dad is scary though.

cherry cola: hiram lodge could murder us and make it look like an accident

witch bitch: um no he wouldn't dare try to murder a half witch i'd charm his pants off

pussy queen: that sounds wanky

blue jasmine: stfu santana lopez

witch bitch: i am wankyyyy ;))))

nancy drew: that makes me so uncomfy i need to go revel in my straightness by looking at pictures of zac efron.

cherry cola: girl we know she's actually googling veronica lodge met gala

nancy drew: GOOF FUCKING BYE


	5. b & v aka the delusionals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rt last night's episode made me so mad...they are fifteen and sixteen year olds how are they getting more action than i ever did sophomore year???? riverdale is a m e s s tbh why do i continue to put myself through this? bc cheryl blossom is gorgeous and the best character on that damn show and i'm being baited by cherosie.

blue jasmine: betty

blue jasmine: betty

blue jasmine: b e t t y

blue jasmine: bETTY

blue jasmine: BETTY

blue jasmine: B E T T Y

blue jasmine: ELIZABETH COOPER

nancy drew: wHAt

blue jasmine: you are cute and an adorable angel <3 <3 <3

cherry cola: disgusting

nancy drew: wHO SAID I WAS AN ANGEL

pussy queen: H O L D UP

pussy queen: BETTY LIKES FIFTH HARMONY??????? IM SHOOK

blue jasmine: this is more surprising than ethel being a lesbian

witch bitch: i took her as a girl who liked the beatles and one erection

snake girl: sabrina did u mean one direction

witch bitch: no their name is one erection

cherry cola: more like five erections

blue jasmine: *four

pussy queen: *separate

nancy drew: ENOUGH

cherry cola: if betty is truly a harmonizer who is her favorite member?

nancy drew: ally, duh.

snake girl: S

snake girl: H

snake girl: O

snake girl: O

snake girl: K

cherry cola: well i guess she does have a thing for latin or hispanic girls

nancy drew: cheryl i swear to god...

witch bitch: BETTY LIKES VERONICA BETTY LIKES VERONICA BETTY LIKES VERONICA

blue jasmine: guys you're making her uncomfortable and upset

pussy queen: how would u know this

pussy queen: do u have a betty sixth sense

blue jasmine: no i'm literally at her house

snake girl: wait then why were you texting her earlier when you are probs right next to her

blue jasmine: she was in the bathroom and i got separation anxiety

witch bitch: I JUST SPIT MY TEA OUT

nancy drew: RONNIE WHAT THE HECK??

cherry cola: am i the only one still hung up over betty liking 5h

snake girl: cheryl's probably just secretly glad there's another girl in riverdale that she can share her obsession over normani with

cherry cola: hEY YOU LIKE NORMANI TOO

snake girl: nah chick i'm a dinah girl ;)))

witch bitch: but no one likes lauren?

blue jasmine: lauren belongs to camila

snake girl removed blue jasmine from the chat.

snake girl: NOPE NOPE NO

snake girl: CAMREN IS NOT REAL YOU DELUSIONAL FUCKS I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS SO

nancy drew: but larry is

witch bitch removed nancy drew from the chat.

witch bitch: NONONONO DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT

cherry cola: they really are perfect for each other they're both delusional :)

cherry cola: but i miss making fun of betty so

cherry cola added nancy drew and blue jasmine to the chat.

nancy drew: y'all are triggered easily.

snake girl: dID SHE JUST SAY Y'ALL

pussy queen: yeahhh at least she didn't say y'ain't then i would punch a bitch

nancy drew: y'ain't

witch bitch: SHUT UP ELIZABETH EUGENE COOPER

blue jasmine: HER MIDDLE NAME ISNT EUGENE

blue jasmine: but i call her mine ;)

cherry cola: hOOOOOOOOOOOOO

nancy drew: asdfghjkl veronica :')

blue jasmine: <3

 


	6. pussy blocked? or COCK BLOCKED

 

cherry cola: as women we are PATHETIC! we can't fight for shit! so i'm going to teach you...

pussy queen: bishw hat bish what bish wtahahaght

snake girl: ooh cheryl u fucked up

cherry cola: SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH

cherry cola: step one always wear a chastity belt

witch bitch: talk about COCK BLOCKED

blue jasmine: *pussy blocked

blue jasmine: cos we're all gay

nancy drew: i feel like there's a better term for that.

pussy queen: BETTY DIDNT DENY HER GAYNESS OO

nancy drew: jfc josie please.

cherry cola: time to bash him with your shield

cherry cola: nope it's too heavy

cherry cola: so grab a knife from your kitchen and CHOP OFF HIS BALLS

cherry cola: and then shove them down his throat

witch bitch: THAT WAS AMAZING BUT I GOT SOMETHING BETTER

witch bitch: *strums guitar*

witch bitch: women like to clean and cook steak

cherry cola: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

snake girl WHAT IS WRONG WITH GUYS

blue jasmine: HAVE YOU NO SHAME 

nancy drew: guys i think they're kidding

pussy queen: oh wait

pussy queen: nowwww i know what they're doing

pussy queen: another wanderer here to lick my fathers balls? good luck they fell off a while ago

blue jasmine: WHAT

nancy drew: THE

snake girl: FUCK

cherry cola: a little bird told me...

cherry cola: go, go socialize! talk to those fine people then...

witch bitch: KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!

pussy queen: PLUNGE YOUR BLADE INTO THEIR BACK THEN BURN 'EM TO THE GROUND!

blue jasmine: i am so confused

cherry cola: get on our level lodge only cool people know what we're saying

nancy drew: so with that logic, nerds are now cool?

snake girl: DRAGGGGGGGEGEEEEEDDEEGEGEGGDGDDD

witch bitch: SHUT UP TONI

pussy queen: YEAH TONI NO ONE LIKES YOU

snake girl: :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credits to the king man5lay3r for most of the quotes...that dude is a legend


	7. the country of rivergay

cherry cola: we need to form a government

cherry cola: us gays are out of control

witch bitch: explain

cherry cola: sabrina you literally saw midge klump walk by when you visited and started making whale noises

cherry cola: and then moose punched you

cherry cola: AND THEN YOU TURNED HIM INTO AN ACTUAL MOOSE

witch bitch: well shit you got me there

pussy queen: i'm not out of control

blue jasmine: toni and i are bi

nancy drew: i'm not even gay

cherry cola: ladies stop it

cherry cola: i call president of the rivergay country

blue jasmine: why do YOU get to be president

pussy queen: veronica she made the chat in the first place

snake girl: northside fuckin bitch u don't even know how gay the southside is

nancy drew: i do juggie said that there's a guy named sweet pea

nancy drew: and fangs fogarty

witch bitch: well shit you right that sounds pretty gay

cherry cola: cheryl blossom doesn't sound gay?

pussy queen: oh baby it does dw

pussy queen: so does josie and the pussycats

snake girl: not as gay as sweet pea tho

blue jasmine: a n y ways who is vice president

cherry cola: betty

nancy drew: WHAT WHWYY

cherry cola: cause you're the second gayest person here

witch bitch: HAHAHAHA TRUE

cherry cola: josie is first lady

snake girl: i should be first lady :/

pussy queen: STAY IN UR LAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNEEEEEEEE

cherry cola: veronica is secretary of state

cherry cola: sabrina is the greendale ambassador

snake girl: i'm the southside ambassador

cherry cola: no you're my bitch

cherry cola: the secretary i'm secretly sleeping with

pussy queen removed cherry cola from the chat.

nancy drew: DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!!!!!!

blue jasmine: the president has been assassinated/impeached

snake girl: bETTY IS NOW PRESIDENT OF THE GAYS

nancy drew: oh mai god

nancy drew: I'M NOT EVEN GAY

blue jasmine: that doesn't stop a lot of people from getting into gay politics

witch bitch: THAT SHADE

pussy queen: guys cheryl won't stop calling me

pussy queen: she wants her kingdom back

snake girl: kingdom? this is a democracy!!!!!!!

nancy drew: i don't want to be president anymore

nancy drew added cherry cola to the chat.

cherry cola: thank u betty

cherry cola: my loyal vp

witch bitch: fuck u betty

nancy drew: no thanks

witch bitch: but i'm a good fuck :(

blue jasmine: GET OUT OF HERE SABRINA

pussy queen: heyyyyyy cheryl

cherry cola: leave me alone josie

snake girl: mmmmm whatcha sayyyyyyyyyyyy mmmmm that you only meant well well of course you did mmm whatcha sayyyyyy that it's all for the best of course it is

blue jasmine: i'm d e a d

nancy drew: sometimes i wonder why i put up with you guys

cherry cola: oh and our national anthem is national anthem by lana del rey

witch bitch: I'M YOUR NATIONAL ANTHEM GOD YOU'RE SO HANDSOME TAKE ME TO THE HAMPTONS BUGATTI VEYRON

pussy queen: it should be girls like girls by hayley kiyoko

pussy queen: or any hayley song

blue jasmine: STRANGERS HALSEY & LAUREN JAUREGUI

snake girl: heaven is a place on earth

nancy drew: AS A DEMOCRACY LETS TAKE A VOTE

nancy drew: say i if you want it and you can vote as many times as you want

nancy drew: national anthem - lana del rey

cherry cola: i

nancy drew: i

nancy drew: girls like girls - hayley kiyoko

blue jasmine: i

pussy queen: i

witch bitch: i

snake girl: deepthroat - cupcakke

cherry cola: TONI OMDFHFUIFDIU

witch bitch: short people - randy newman

blue jasmine: I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT

snake girl: S A M E

nancy drew: OrDER IN THE COURT

nancy drew: strangers - halsey ft. lauren jauregui

blue jasmine: i

blue jasmine: i

blue jasmine: i

blue jasmine: i

blue jasmine: oh look at that strangers has the most votes

cherry cola: s i gh ok strangers is our national anthem

witch bitch: short people got......no reason to live

snake girl: mouth wide open mouth wide open mouth wide open like i was at the dentist

pussy queen: cheryl u right us gays are out of control


	8. cheronica is better than ur fave

cherry cola: i am sooo pretty

snake girl: you really are

witch bitch: i am prettier

pussy queen: i am the prettiest

nancy drew: true, josie is a goddess.

blue jasmine: what about me? :(

cherry cola: i think you're hot veronica

cherry cola: the ice to my fire

cherry cola: red and blue

cherry cola: we are made for each other

blue jasmine: i am romeo you are juliet

snake girl: G A Y

nancy drew: fine i'll just date josie.

pussy queen: girl i've accepted that cheryl is a lying cheating bitch that will hop on anyone's dick if they are hot enough

cherry cola: i dON'T LIKE DICK

blue jasmine: but fr cheryl wanna d8

cherry cola: pick me up at 7 lodge ;)))))

pussy queen: hey elizabeth cooper wanna go on a date bc our girls are being assholes

nancy drew: 1. veronica's not my girl and 2. yes i would love to go on a date josephine mccoy

witch bitch: toni give me some loving

snake girl: no

witch bitch: boo you whore

snake girl: says the girl who wants to fuck everything

blue jasmine: eXPOSED

witch bitch: what's wrong with that

witch bitch: i like appreciating hot women

witch bitch: toni is literally rihanna's daughter

witch bitch: josie is beyonce's long lost daughter and she's such a goddess

witch bitch: veronica looks like shawn mendes and camila cabello's child - a very BEAUTIFUL CHILD THEY CREATED IN I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

witch bitch: cheryl is gorgeous she's like sharpay evans and ginny weasley's lovechild t o o

blue jasmine: what about betty

witch bitch: betty hm she's cute she's faberry's child

nancy drew: AWWW THANK YOU SABRINA!!!!!

cherry cola: sharpay evans is an icon

snake girl: do i really look like rihanna

pussy queen: yes

snake girl: i do that weed weed weed so ye i am rihanna

witch bitch: *jingle jangle

snake girl: THE SOUTHSIDE SERPENTS DO NOT DISTRIBUTE THAT PIXIE DUST LOOKING SHIT SEND IT BACK TO GREENDALE

blue jasmine: weed is better

nancy drew: RONNIE YOU'VE HAD WEED???

blue jasmine: ;) us new york girls are wild

cherry cola: my new york girl is wild

blue jasmine: <3

witch bitch: my otp is cheronica

snake girl: cheronica is better than ur fave

nancy drew: i can feel a dark presence within me.......

pussy queen: dark betty wants weed so she can be cool enough for veronica

nancy drew: our date is canceled.

pussy queen: gosh darn it!

witch bitch: it's ok josie you can join sabrina and i

snake girl: threesome?

pussy queen: threesome

cherry cola: can veronica and i watch

blue jasmine: yes plssssssssssss

nancy drew: ....i want to watch too.


	9. cheryl is triggered

snake girl: EVERYBODY SAY SAUSAGE KEEP IT GOIN EGGS BACON GRITS

snake girl: SAUSAGE

witch bitch: i'mma a skinny bitch but i still take the

snake girl: SAUSAGE

pussy queen: i got a fat ass but i still take the

snake girl: SAUSAGE

nancy drew: i got a FLAT ass but i still take the

snake girl: SAUSAGE

blue jasmine: wake up in the morning and i eat that

snake girl: SAUSAGE

cherry cola: i'mma red head but i still take the

snake girl: SAUSAGE

pussy queen: i'm a gay gorl but i still take

snake girl: SAUSAGE

cherry cola: white girl swag and i'mma take your man

snake girl: SAUSAGE

witch bitch: NWHOENWHOENWHOENWHOENWHOE

snake girl: SAUSAGE

blue jasmine: (not) white and im thick but you know i take the

snake girl: SAUSAGE

nancy drew: yeah i read books but they all about 

snake girl: SAUSAGE

snake girl: SAUCE SAUCE SAUCE SAUCE SAUSAGE

witch bitch: .....i like girls can i still take the sausage

cherry cola: ladies slow the fuck down

cherry cola: what the fresh hell was that

snake girl: i wanted to have some fun

cherry cola: TONI WE ARE GAY

snake girl: .....so that means we can't have fun?

cherry cola: NO BIG FOREHEADED BAFFOON

witch bitch: wHAtTTAT

pussy queen: toni doesn't even have a big forehead

cherry cola: SHUT UP JOSEPHINE

nancy drew: cheryl you need to calm down.

cherry cola: I AM PERFECTLY CALM ELIZABETH, SEE? THE SUN IS SHINING, THE BIRDS ARE CHIRPING, AND CHERYL BLOSSOM IS PERFECTLY CALM AS SHE READS VOGUE MAGAZINE BY THE POOL

blue jasmine: suddenly i want sausage

cherry cola removed blue jasmine from the chat.

snake girl: cheryl wtf

cherry cola: oK MAYBE IM A LITTLE MAD

witch bitch: why

nancy drew: i mean what doesn't piss off cheryl?

pussy queen: betty i would advise you calm down

cherry cola: THE SAUSAGE RAP IS AGAINST MY GAY MORALS

cherry cola: AND I WILLINGLY PARTICIPATED IN IT

cherry cola: I NEED TO BE CLEANSED

nancy drew: ok that's easy!

nancy drew: pray to god for forgiveness.

snake girl: j e s u s

witch bitch *is a great man

pussy queen: sabrina wtf you are literally the devil's child

pussy queen: you wear a pentagram necklace like every day

snake girl: dont explose me

nancy drew: tf is explose?

cherry cola: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nancy drew: cheryl pls calm down

cherry cola removed nancy drew from the chat.

pussy queen: cheryl girl pls

cherry cola removed pussy queen from the chat.

witch bitch: don't you dare

cherry cola removed witch bitch from the chat.

snake girl: shit bro

snake girl: guess it's just me

snake girl: a h h h hhhh hh

cherry cola removed snake girl from the chat.

cherry cola: i am all by myself now

cherry cola: i am cleansed and free

cherry cola: my skin is clear

cherry cola: my depression is gone

cherry cola: maybe ariana grande will follow me back on twitter

cherry cola: but something is missing.......

cherry cola: oh, my friends!!!!!!

cherry cola: i really fucked up

cherry cola added blue jasmine, pussy queen, witch bitch, snake girl, and nancy drew to the chat.

cherry cola: hey girls <33333

blue jasmine: go fuck yourself hoe


	10. w hat is a bf

cherry cola: guys lets give each other theme songs

witch bitch: cheryl thats gay

cherry cola: WELL SWEET NIBBLETS YOU DON'T SAY

pussy queen: can mine be flawless

blue jasmine: o b v iously

witch bitch: harvey told me that mine should be swish swish bc u know

witch bitch: swish swish bish sounds like witch witch bitch

nancy drew: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT IS SO FUNNY

snake girl: wait who tf is harvey

cherry cola: obviously steve harvey

blue jasmine: i met steve harvey too he's a funny dude

pussy queen: SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP VERONICA

snake girl: answer me sabrina spellman right now

witch bitch: harvey kinkle

witch bitch: he's my bf

cherry cola: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH

cherry cola: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

pussy queen: THIS TEAAAAAAAAAAAA

snake girl: he's your wHAT

witch bitch: bf

pussy queen: even i'm not this stupid

cherry cola: that's probably bc you have an iq higher than sabrina she lost a lot of brain cells when aunty zelda dropped her on her head when she was a child

witch bitch: OUCH CHERYL ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS FUCKING RUDE

cherry cola: nah only when i need to be ;)

nancy drew: aka 24/7?

blue jasmine: ^

snake girl: SABRINA

snake girl: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A BF

witch bitch: well duh everyone has a bf

witch bitch: archie is betty's bf

blue jasmine: ARCHIE IS BETTY'S WHAT

nancy drew: oh true archie is my bf

blue jasmine: WHAT TEH FUCK BETTY

nancy drew: and kevin is my bf

blue jasmine: BETTY BABY WHAT

pussy queen: s h e s aid ba bbyyyyy

cherry cola: beronica is real

cherry cola: oh yeah jason is my bf

snake girl: THAT IS INCEST

cherry cola: it isn't??? you can have a sibling that's your bf

nancy drew: bfs don't have to be limited to one person i have lots

nancy drew: jughead is also my bf

snake girl: NONONONO SBAIRNA CHEYRL AND BTETY STOP THIS MADNESS 

blue jasmine: betty :(((((( i thought i was your girl

nancy drew: you are! <3

pussy queen: i am so confused i think i accidentally had a bit of daddy's blunt this morning

snake girl: betty you can't have 3 bfs while dating veronica

nancy drew: i'mnotdatingher

snake girl: cheryl you can't be into josie while you say jason is your bf - also that's incest

snake girl: and SABRINA WHAT WE ARE DATING WHY IS HARVEY YOUR BF

blue jasmine: wait guys

blue jasmine: what does a bf mean to you

witch bitch: oh wow are you dumb ronnie? you're from new york you should know all the cool slang

pussy queen: jfc just answer the question

nancy drew: bf = best friend

snake girl: ....................................

snake girl: you gotta be fuckiiiinnnngggggggggg kiddidiiiinnng me

snake girl: YOU IDIOTS

snake girl: BF MEANS BOYFRIEND

nancy drew: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

cherry cola: lolololol wow but bf can also mean best friend

witch bitch: hahahaha we're so dumb

blue jasmine: get the fuckoutahea

pussy queen: hot new york slang got me feeling this way


	11. new inductees to the gay order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all i wanna say this chapter is for y'all bc you guys have been so supportive for everything. and i'm considering a new beronica/cherosie/tobrina (or sabroni w/e works for y'all) fic so pls give me your ideas for the plot and i'll put them into consideration
> 
> also now that there's more characters, here's who everyone is for reference:
> 
> nancy drew - betty cooper  
> blue jasmine - veronica lodge  
> cherry cola - cheryl blossom  
> pussy queen - josie mccoy  
> witch bitch - sabrina spellman  
> snake girl - toni topaz  
> pussy princess - valerie brown  
> pussy dame - melody valentine  
> ginger spice - ginger lopez  
> tina cohen-chang - tina patel  
> muggz - ethel muggs  
> klumpster - midge klump

cherry cola: g u y s

cherry cola: we need more citizens in our gay colony

pussy queen: wym

snake girl: no cheryl there's no way we can turn all of riverdale gay bc all of our moms and dads will start dating each other and then? we'll all be related to each other

witch bitch: news flash we're all related bc you know evolution n shit

blue jasmine: also god is our father

nancy drew: amen

cherry cola: no i mean more people to our chat

cherry cola: i'm getting bored of your shenanigans

cherry cola added ginger spice and tina cohen-chang to the chat.

blue jasmine: TINA COHEN-CHANG GOOD FUCKIBG BYE

ginger spice: what is this

pussy queen: it's a group chat

tina cohen-chang: i'm already part of a chat called cheryl's bitches

nancy drew: oh yeah i forgot the river vixens' chat is named the same thing

cherry cola changed the chat's name to WHO WROTE THIS? TINA?.

tina cohen-chang: CHERYL WTF

snake girl: AHAHAHAHHAHA I LOVE GLEE

witch bitch: i am literally kitty wilde

nancy drew: we can change our names to glee characters later

blue jasmine: yeah let's get more people here

pussy queen added pussy princess and pussy dame to the chat.

snake girl: NUT ITS VALERIE AND MELODY

pussy princess: hi toni

pussy dame: yo toni

witch bitch: notice me senpai

ginger spice: god ewewewewewew

cherry cola: nice touch josie now we have all the pussycats

nancy drew: oh i got someone!!!!

nancy drew added muggz to the chat.

cherry cola: ETHEL REALLY??????

blue jasmine: stfu ethel is so cool

muggz: what's good my dudes

witch bitch: have my kids

muggz: no thanks "witch bitch"

witch bitch: it's sabrina, but you can call me yours ;)

snake girl: GET OUT SABRINA

tina cohen-chang: suddenly i regret every life decision i ever made

pussy queen: the numbers aren't even.....we need more people

snake girl: ohhh i got someome

snake girl added klumpster to the chat.

snake girl: aye what's good midge

klumpster: sup toni

cherry cola: MIDGE ISN'T EVEN GAY

klumpster: aye how do you know

pussy princess: you're dating moose

blue jasmine: can we have the glee names now

cherry cola: no we can't as president i say no

ginger spice: i can't believe you all are letting cheryl be in charge

muggz: ginger cheryl is the queen bee she can do whatever she wants

nancy drew: until veronica puts her in her place

witch bitch: OOOOOH BURN

blue jasmine: you wanted fire? sorry cheryl bombshell my speciality is ice ;))))))

cherry cola: my pussy quaked during that

tina cohen-chang: me too

ginger spice: i was oddly turned on by the kiss

pussy dame: WAIT BETTY AND VERONICA KISSED AT VIXENS TRYOUTS

nancy drew: .....yeah

klumpster: no big surprise

pussy princess: iconic

snake girl: you should have filmed it and leaked it

witch bitch: my otp kissed and i wasn't there :(((

pussy queen: don't worry sabrina beronica will happen soon

blue jasmine: that is if betty says yes

nancy drew: VERONICA YOU NEVER ASKED ME OUT

blue jasmine: betty i do like every single day

klumpster: *pretends to be shocked*

witch bitch: THIS IS NOT A DRILLLLLLLLLLL

snake girl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tina cohen-chang: i'm so confused

pussy princess: let's just go with it

cherry cola: everything is going too fast i can't keep uppp

pussy queen: it was your idea babe

cherry cola: a h h h ik i'm an idiot

muggz: cheryl admits to being wrong? wow the world really has turned upside down

ginger spice: o m g

nancy drew: i'm having the time of my life right now.

witch bitch: this is a sad reminder that all the hot girls live in riverdale and i'm all alone in greendale

cherry cola: I WILL VISIT YOU

snake girl: ME TOO BABY I GOTTA DO STUFF FOR THE SERPENTS TONIGHT

klumpster: pls tell me it's getting more jingle jangle i'm tired of pestering reggie

pussy dame: still can't believe reggie is a drug dealer

blue jasmine: still can't believe half of the things that go down in this damn town

tina cohen-chang: it's kind of your fault since things started getting worse when you arrived

blue jasmine: ouch :(

nancy drew: TAKE THAT BACK TINA!!!!!!

pussy princess: fight fight fight fight fight fight

cherry cola: screeeeeeeechhchhchchchhhh

cherry cola: example 86 of how the gays are out of control


	12. sinners doused in pussy water

muggz: so what are you guys doing for christmas?

cherry cola: i immediately regret everything

cherry cola: ethel makes this chat like wayyyy more pure and like no me gusta

klumpster: maybe you need some holy water cheryl

pussy queen: nah she needs that pussy water

pussy princess: KISS IT BETTER KISS IT BETTER

pussy dame: don't it taste like pussy water?

pussy princess: MAKE IT WETTER MAKE IT WETTER

pussy dame: don't it taste like pussy water?

pussy queen: DON'T TASTE LIKE PUSSY WATER? LIKE PUSSY WATER? DON'T IT TASTE LIKE PUSSY WATER?

pussy princess: bless yourself and genuflect

pussy dame: DON'T TASTE LIKE PUSSY WATER? LIKE PUSSY WATER? DON'T IT TASTE LIKE PUSSY WATER?

pussy queen: if you don't like it please confess

pussy princess: DON'T IT TASTE LIKE PUSSY WATER? LIKE PUSSY WATER? DON'T IT TASTE LIKE PUSSY WATER?

pussy dame yeezus loves my pussy beat

blue jasmine: man i love this new josie and the pussycats single

tina cohen-chang: issa bop!!!!

cherry cola: better than the current top songs

snake girl: still think deepthroat is a better song

nancy drew: my eyes i can't believe mayor mccoy endorses this

witch bitch: lamo betty she isn't gonna perform it at the christmas festival or anything she's performing it in greendale

ginger spice: i wanna goooooo

muggz: literally all i asked was what people were doing for christmas and i get this fucking shit

blue jasmine: omg ethel watch ur language

ginger spice: bish whatttttt we always swear

nancy drew: SWERING IS THE SIGN OF THE LORD'S CORRUPTION

cherry cola: l m a o nobody is pure here

klumpster: we are all sinners

pussy queen: explain

klumpster: for starters betty has a dark demon side and tried to drown someone in a hot tub once

snake girl: SIN!

nancy drew: it was female empowerment.

pussy princess: SIT YO ASS DOWN BEBBY

pussy dame: DROWNING A BLACK MAN IS NOT FEMALE EMPOWERMENT ITS FUCKING RACIST NO MATTER HOW GROSS HE IS

pussy queen: yeah betty you really need to get that checked out

nancy drew: my mom thinks i have nothing wrong with me....i don't know what to do.

blue jasmine: we'll help you babe

witch bitch: B A B E

klumpster: can i continue to expose people pls

tina cohen-chang: sure midge

klumpster: veronica is a sinner too for many accounts. drug use, premarital sex, adultery, alcohol, disobeying her mom, and using a firearm

snake girl: SIN!

blue jasmine: shit u got me therrrreee

klumpster: cheryl..... stalking, unauthorized photography, arson, attempted murder, lying to the police, being too damn hot for this entire school

cherry cola: ;) sounds right

snake girl: SIN!

klumpster: josie and the pussycats: writing too many damn songs about pussy

ginger spice: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA

muggz: she isn't wrong tho

pussy queen: my mom is very concerned

snake girl: SIN!

klumpster: sabrina: a fucking witch, drugs, alcohol, too much premarital sex

witch bitch: oops?

snake girl: SIN!

klumpster: toni: premarital sex, firearm use, arrested, being part of a gang, lots and lots of weed

snake girl: ....SIN

pussy dame: weed ain't too much of a sin

klumpster: ethel: being too goddamn pure for the world

muggz: i'll accept that

nancy drew: i ship midge and ethel

blue jasmine: me too actually

snake girl: NOT A SIN!

tina cohen-chang: WEEWOOOEWEEOO NEW SHIP ALERT

klumpster: SHUT UP

klumpster: ginger and tina: being too damn irrelevant, premarital sex (with each other)

cherry cola: WHAT THE FUCK

cherry cola: MONKEY #1 AND MONKEY #2 ARE FUCKING?

ginger spice: ....yeah

snake girl: SIN!

pussy queen: i'm deaddddd cheryl is so red rn

klumpster: me: drug use and adulteress

klumpster: surprise! i'm cheating on moose

snake girl: SIN OF THEM ALL!

witch bitch: considering moose also cheated on midge it's not that much of an issue

klumpster: WITH WHO

nancy drew: kevin

pussy dame: *pretends to be shocked*

blue jasmine: it's times like these that i wish i was back in new york

 


	13. betty is 10923476% gay

cherry cola: vixens we have practice today

ginger spice: and you chose to use this chat because??

cherry cola: all of the other vixens are irrelevant

witch bitch: CAN I WATCH

snake girl: ME TOO PLSPLSPLSPLSPLS

nancy drew: you can't have a practice with just ronnie, josie, ginger, tina, you, and me

cherry cola: bitch it's six people we can make a fucking pyramid with that so we're good

klumpster: this is beginning to sound very much like mpgis

pussy princess: i read that as mpreg

muggz: what is that

blue jasmine: dON'T TELL HER

tina cohen-chang: it's a concept that we wish would stay far away

pussy dame: back into the fiery chasm from whence it came

pussy queen: ew melody you're such a nerd

witch bitch: SHUT UP JOSIE LOTR IS GREAT

muggz: finally something i can relate to arwen is so amazing

ginger spice: ethel is so right like arwen can just take me any day

tina cohen-chang: what about me? :(

ginger spice: bitch u ain't an elven princess

tina cohen-chang: i'm tina patel bitch i'm even better

cherry cola: god is there an off switch for the both of them

blue jasmine: back to mpgis we are very much like them honestly

blue jasmine: i am deandra the new girl

nancy drew: pfff deandra

pussy queen: betty is trisha

snake girl: obviously cheryl is mackenzie

cherry cola: head cheerleader, homecoming queen, candy cane princess, and part time mother fUCKING model

pussy princess: tina is ashley katchadourian and ginger is jenna dapananian

klumpster: squad goallssssss

witch bitch: *dysfunctional squad goals

witch bitch: cheryl's gonna end up killing them all

snake girl: this is why drill team is better

muggz: aHHHH I LOVE DRILL TEAM GIRLS

blue jasmine: who doesn't? my pussy quaked during their performances in new york

nancy drew: you all are so gay it's crazy

cherry cola: drinking game: take a shot every time betty denies her sexuality

pussy dame: girl we'll be drunk before first period

nancy drew: ok i might be a little gay

klumpster: S

klumpster: H

klumpster: O

klumpster: O

klumpster: K

snake girl: THAT'S MY THING FUCK OFF

ginger spice: betty is 10923476% gay

nancy drew: proof?

tina cohen-chang: exhibit a: every time veronica breathes

pussy queen: exhibit b: every pussycat performance

muggz: exhibit c: toni being a badass in a leather jacket

cherry cola: don't you see elizabeth? you are gay

nancy drew: well i'll be darned! i'm a lesbian

blue jasmine: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

blue jasmine: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

blue jasmine: I COULD JUST KISS YOU BETTY

tina cohen-chang: that's my shipppp that's my shippp that's my shippppp

ginger spice: babe is that to the tune of that's my girl

tina cohen-chang: yah

tina cohen-chang: you can never have enough of 5h

witch bitch: today is a GLORIOUS day for us lesbians

cherry cola: i'm so proud :')

pussy princess: pussycats i already have a beronica song in the workings

pussy dame: operation piss alice cooper off is in motion

snake girl: sweetie alice is already pissed off hal ain't hitting it right so she wants fp's serpent

nancy drew: EWWWWWWWW

muggz: oK I DIDNT NEED TO HER THAT

snake girl: sorry ethel

blue jasmine: at least she doesn't want sheriff keller's serpent like a mayor i know

pussy queen: W H A T WHAT WHAT

cherry cola: oh shit

blue jasmine: i should have NOT said that

nancy drew: no shit sherlock


	14. world war iii - toni vs josie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good, we can finally get a break from riverdale. also the black hood reveal? way too obvious. screw you ras for the rushed and unsatisfying ending to the plot.

cherry cola: how can so much hotness fit in a 5'3" woman

blue jasmine: i'm 5'2"

ginger spice: obviously she wasn't talking about you

pussy queen: AWWWWW THANKS CHERYL

snake girl: YOU ROCK CHERYL MY QUEEN

pussy queen: WAIT WHAT

snake girl: WHAT WAIT

nancy drew: what a twist! they're both the same height.

tina cohen-chang: ooh cheryl u fucked up

pussy princess: you better be talking about my girl josie, cheryl

pussy dame: i thought i was your girl :(

klumpster: i am so high rn i can see stars and jesus blessing me with big titted women and controversy

muggz: and this was how world war iii started in the little town of riverdale

witch bitch: iT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG

nancy drew: to set the scene my lovely viewers, toni topaz is known as the serpent princess. she's a photographer for the black and red at southside high. she's also a grade a homewrecker because she kissed forsythe pendleton jones iii. but when she's not being a bisexual badass, she's sabrina spellman's little bitch.

snake girl: wow betty that was pretty accurate kudos to you

nancy drew: josie mccoy, the town's beyonce. who knows if she'll end up leaving josie the pussycats aka riverdale's destiny's child? josie is mayor mccoy's favorite and only daughter. her best friends are valerie brown and melody valentine, also known as her bandmates. she is known as cheryl's girlfriend and is managed by her as well.

pussy princess: she better not leave

pussy dame: amen val

nancy drew: and our girl in the middle, cheryl blossom. she's the town's hbic, part of the esteemed blossom clan and twin to jason blossom. cheryl has a lot of issues. she can't seem to decide if she likes toni, sabrina, josie, or veronica, so she flirts with all of them. cheryl is also captain of the river vixens on days when veronica lodge isn't in the mood to roast her. her minions are tina patel and ginger lopez.

muggz: betty i think you're hanging out with jughead too much

blue jasmine: toni vs josie - the ultimate southside and northside battle, who will win?

cherry cola: i want no part in this

klumpster: TOO LATE CHERRY BLOSSOM

pussy princess: i will always lend my support to josie but i love you lots toni

snake girl: </3

pussy dame: i also lend my support to josie us pussycats stick together!!!!!!!

blue jasmine: that's 2 for team josie!

nancy drew: i'm really gay for josie but toni and i are kind of like sisters bc of our ties with jughead. so my vote's for toni.

witch bitch: I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT MY MAIN BITCH TONI TOPAZ

blue jasmine: 2 for team toni!

cherry cola: team cheryl?

muggz: you're the prize of the battle

cherry cola: what if i want to fight for my own independence!!!

muggz: cheryl, sweetie, that's not how it works

tina cohen-chang: ""sweetie""

ginger spice: i'm lending my support to josie

snake girl: FUCK U GINGER WAS OUR HOOKUP LAST WEEK NOT GOOD FOR YOU??????

witch bitch: ohhhh shittttttt

tina cohen-chang: she better be kidding

cherry cola: ^

blue jasmine: 3 for josie?

blue jasmine: i'm supporting josie too bc pussycats stick together

nancy drew: v you're not a pussycat

blue jasmine: i'm an honorary pussycat babe

klumpster: i'm lending my support for my weed buddy toni

pussy princess: no jingle jangle?

pussy dame: the sugar man is gone

cherry cola: do not speaketh is nameth hereth

blue jasmine: 3 for toni and 3 for josie

muggz: and none for cheryl blossom

cherry cola: E T H EL

tina cohen-chang: my vote is for josie too

snake girl: damn the northside hates me

witch bitch: it's all down to ethel and cheryl

cherry cola: I HAVE TO VOTE??????

pussy queen: don't make her vote she gets to watch us fight to the death

muggz: ....josie

blue jasmine: 5 for josie and 3 for toni

snake girl: screw you northsiders you all just want to suck the mayor's daughter's dick

pussy queen: *eat her pussy

pussy princess: EWEWEWEWEWEWEWE

nancy drew: the battle will commence tomorrow. rest up pussycats and serpents.

ginger spice: and may the odds be ever in your favor!

cherry cola: je suis stupide.

pussy queen: oui, tu es tres stupide.


	15. heterosexual partners for life

snake girl: my ass is frozen

witch bitch: want me to rub it

snake girl: n o

pussy queen: i think her ego is more bruised than her ass

pussy queen: after i beat her up for cheryl's honor

klumpster: tbh josie only won cause toni tried to cheat

tina cohen-chang: how was that cheating???

pussy queen: she brought in outside help!

snake girl: and using valerie and melody isn't outside help??

pussy princess: we aren't big scary serpents like sweet pea and fangs fogarty

cherry cola: sweet pea was a little pussy anyways

muggz: i mean a sing-off wasn't exactly in their list of things they had to know to be a serpent

snake girl: YEAH IT WASNT FAIR BC SHE BROUGHT IN MICHELLE AND KELLY AND MADE DESTINY'S CHILD LOOK LIKE A JOKE

nancy drew: you could have asked for my help!

cherry cola: betty, you wouldn't even sound good with autotune

pussy dame: she's right there's only so much autotune can do you gotta have vibrato and know how to make the notes rich instead of flat and ugly

witch bitch: damn talk music to me

ginger spice: i still think toni's performance of bodak yellow was the best

blue jasmine: ok true she almost did it better than cardi b

witch bitch: speaking of where did you sneak off to veronica???

blue jasmine: um nowhere....

cherry cola: liar i saw you and betty leave

klumpster: ooooooh secret romantic rendezvous 

nancy drew: ...i had to go to the bathroom.

pussy princess: in the woods??? when it's cold??? and with veronica????

blue jasmine: safety in numbers

tina cohen-chang: sAFeTY iN nUMbErS

cherry cola: tina that was disgusting

tina cohen-chang: :(

muggz: guys let's be realistic....

muggz: b & v come as a package deal so they pee together

snake girl: BWAHAHAHAHAHA

pussy dame: ETHEL I LOVE YOU

nancy drew: guidsiugfuidssguiiusd i hate life.

witch bitch: i mean veronica set it in stone so

ginger spice: heterosexual partners for life

cherry cola: *homosexual

ginger spice: i said what i said

blue jasmine: eXCUSE ME THAT IS BIPHOBIC

nancy drew: is this another time where i have to admit to being gay to please the crowds???

klumpster: we already know you gay

ginger spice: but guys they fit the heterosexual partners for life trope

witch bitch: GOD GINGER ARE YOU DUMB

pussy queen: YEAH GINGER WHAT THE HELLLL

muggz: veronica and betty forfeited their heterosexual life partner rights when veronica shoved her tongue down betty's throat during vixens practive

snake girl: case closed. ethel is always right.

tina cohen-chang: does this mean that they're dating

nancy drew: NO

blue jasmine: ...YES

cherry cola: damn daniel

klumpster: shut up cheryl leave that back in 2015

pussy queen: leave my wife alone

witch bitch: wife?????

snake girl: sabrina, don't even

snake girl: u don't want josie to whoop your ass by hitting ALL of the notes in love on top

witch bitch: that was the best moment of my gay life

 


	16. vampire cheryl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this next week there's going to be less frequent updates bc i have finals but i will do my best to try and keep it moving along

snake girl: hey where my goth at

witch bitch: i'm herrrrrreeee

snake girl: no not u the other one

nancy drew: hi

pussy queen: bETTY YOU ARE NOT A GOTH

nancy drew: i can be whahtever i want to be booboo

klumpster: no goth says booboo

pussy princess: and you wear pink

blue jasmine: yeah b you even have pink underwear on

pussy dame: SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

ginger spice: i'm trying to imagine betty as a goth and i can't keep my shit together

witch bitch: this is betty as a goth: a pink leather jacket with a black "girls rox" embroidery, a bright pink skirt, a glittery skull necklace, her pony tail is slightly looser than before, and she wears sketchers light up shoes

nancy drew: screw you sabrina i'm gonna go brood 

tina cohen-chang: i told you she's spending too much time with jughead

cherry cola: fucking prepz

snake girl: there's my goth

muggz: oh my god

nancy drew: ok so i'm not a goth but CHERYL is??????

cherry cola: stop flaming u prep ur just jealous that i converted to satanism first and ur boring

pussy queen: ICANTBREATHE

blue jasmine: ok who pissed in cheryl's cereal

nancy drew: probably nana blossom

klumpster: B E T T Y

pussy princess: i'm still a little confused

pussy princess: is cheryl actually a goth

witch bitch: lowkey

witch bitch: but it's not my fault

witch bitch: cause i'm a cool goth

muggz: i can't believe cool and goth are in the same sentence

cherry cola: im the coolest goth

cherry cola: i used to live in a fucking mansion with a graveyard

cherry cola: i own a lot of black

tina cohen-chang: *red

cherry cola: SHUT UP TINA

pussy queen: cheryl are you a vampire too

blue jasmine: she has to be

blue jasmine: bc if she's thaT gay she has to be a vampire

klumpster: it's true, all lesbian vampires are the gayest of all - it's in the gay laws

cherry cola: i do love red....

pussy queen: IF YOU DRINK MY BLOOD YOU AINT GETTING TO DRINK ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME AGAIN

snake girl: what

snake girl: OH I GET IT NOW

muggz: sinful

nancy drew: you guys were right about me not being a goth

nancy drew: i'm actually a vampire too

pussy princess: does your skin sparkle

nancy drew: ....yes

witch bitch: guys you do realize this is totally plausible

witch bitch: i'm half-witch

pussy dame: WE COULD ALL BE SUPERNATURAL CREATURES

ginger spice: i call being a wolf

ginger spice: owo what's this? :3 *pounces* rawr XD

cherry cola removed ginger spice from the chat.

cherry cola: never in my 483 years of living have i ever seen such fuckery

blue jasmine: so...you are a vampire?

cherry cola: ;)


	17. what a twist!

klumpster: nancy woods looked good today i didn't see her but i know she did

cherry cola: chuck clayton is yelling from miles away

tina cohen-chang: since when have you been interested in nancy?

nancy drew: i stg i want to make a nancy drew joke

witch bitch: you don't need to when you already are one :)

pussy dame: OOOOO BETTY DO YOU NEED ICE FOR THAT BURN

nancy drew: yeah, veronica?

blue jasmine: coming ;)

pussy queen: ok that was a fucking roller coaster right there

muggz: idk it was kind of cute

pussy princess: no no no that sexual innuendo was not cute

snake girl: ARE WE GOING TO IGNORE THAT MIDGE SAID THAT NANCY WOODS LOOKED GOOD

blue jasmine: ToNI DOEsN'T evEN Go hErE

snake girl: things might change if josie's mom doesn't calm tf down

muggz: leave sierra nevada out of this

cherry cola: that was the worst insult for mayor mccoy that i have ever seen

snake girl: SHUT UP OK IM ASKING MIDGE WTF IS GOING ON

klumpster: sorry i'm not into meese anymore

nancy drew: meese???????????? don't you mean mooses????????

blue jasmine: oh lord here we go again

klumpster: i said what i said cooper

ginger spice: hi

cherry cola: OH MY GOD GINGER WHO LET YOU BACK IN HERE

ginger spice: tina

tina cohen-chang: :)

cherry cola: i need new minions asap

witch bitch: i volunteer as tribute

pussy dame: sabrina you're just as useless

witch bitch: i can bippity boppity boo you the fuck into a frog

snake girl: I WANT THE TRUTH

klumpster: ok

klumpster: i am cheating on moose

klumpster: with nancy woods

pussy princess: holy shit nuggets

nancy drew: jesus hot sauce christmas cake

muggz: ...is that true?

klumpster: yeah

muggz: :/

cherry cola: MIDGE YOU MADE ETHEL SAD YOU FUCKING LESBIAN DISGRACE

pussy queen: i'm wheezing poor chuck

cherry cola: nO DONT YOU EVER FEEL BAD FOR THAT PIECE OF CRAP

nancy drew: i'm

blue jasmine: betty it's ok we know

snake girl: AND THERE IT IS MY FRIENDS THE UGLY TRUTH

ginger spice: i mean i knew nancy was a lesbian

ginger spice: nancy and i...we had a thing before

tina cohen-chang: what?!??!?!?!?!

ginger spice: i didn't want to tell you babe

pussy dame: is this turning into a let's admit our lesbian affair session?

cherry cola: no let's not

witch bitch: cheryl would know a lot about that wouldn't she?

muggz left the chat.

blue jasmine: OH NO

blue jasmine: OH HELL NO

blue jasmine: WHEN ETHEL LEAVES YOU DONE FUCKED UP

blue jasmine: MIDGE THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

klumpster: what did i do?

pussy queen: it's your fault ethel left cause of what you said

klumpster: i literally said nothing that directly affected her?????

nancy drew: even I'M not this oblivious

snake girl: figure it out klump figure it out


	18. ethel's new boo

nancy drew: hey melody

pussy dame: wtf betty you look like shit try to be original next time

pussy queen: goooorl wtf is this?

pussy dame: oh hey josie

pussy queen: melody this is beyond a joke... you two are copying me

nancy drew: what

pussy queen: woah

pussy queen: woah

pussy queen: woah

pussy queen: who dafuq is this bitch

nancy drew: i'm betty cooper

pussy queen: never heard of u lizzy melody, who is this bitch?

pussy dame: it's betty cooper

pussy queen: idk any bebby she can go suck a dick

nancy drew: k.

cherry cola: what....the.....fuck

pussy queen: i'm the queen j

pussy dame: erm there's only one queen, and that's veronica, bitch

pussy queen: who????

blue jasmine: l-u-v, veronica

nancy drew: not again omg

pussy queen: oh shit not that bitch

pussy dame: veronica these hoes are copying me

blue jasmine: wtf melody!??? don't speak to me again!!! why are u in my house????

pussy queen: melody u said this was ur house

pussy dame: josie pls

blue jasmine: speaking of which, who wants to buy my new mixtape?

pussy dame: how many do u have left?

blue jasmine: like 2 or smthnnnnnn

nancy drew: veronica why is there a bunch of copies of ur mixtape at my house

blue jasmine: lol poor eliza

snake girl: im so confused

witch bitch: omg iconic

klumpster: am i high

ginger spice: probably

tina cohen-chang: mostly

muggz: definitely

cherry cola: WTF ETHEL WHEN DID YOU GET BACK

muggz: the gods said i had a mission so i returned

blue jasmine: the fact that you don't understand what we're quoting is sinful

witch bitch: I DO I KNOW

witch bitch: THE LYRICS TO THE NEXT JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS SINGLE

pussy princess: fdshidfsihfdsihofhsidoio josie i stg you need to stop watching that show

pussy queen: no thanks

cherry cola: ladiez shut up

cherry cola: its clear that betty, veronica, josie, and melody are getting into the holiday spirit with jingle jangle so let's leave them alone

nancy drew: no cheryl it's christmas come give your cousin some love

ginger spice: let me love you! let me love you!

tina cohen-chang: boy just let me lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-love you, you

snake girl: sabrina and i had sex to that song last night tina

witch bitch: ;))))))))))))

cherry cola: HFIHIOFIOHDFIOH

pussy princess: i cannot listen to ari anymore without thinking about tobrina sex

blue jasmine: shh val i bet it's hot

muggz: you lesbians haven't changed

muggz: good thing i got some pussy to save me

klumpster: BITCH WHAT BITCH WHAT

cherry cola: ooooooo tea

muggz: yeah me and maria rodriguez

pussy queen: n i c e ethel

klumpster: what the fuckckk

pussy dame: oh why would you care? you're fucking nancy

nancy drew: YEAH LET'S ALL BE HAPPY FOR ETHEL

ginger spice: #etheldeservestheworld

muggz: thanks guys :')

klumpster: ....cool gotta go walk my fish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credits to the nekci menij show for the quotes also....merry early christmas i'll have a christmas update too!


	19. merry christmas have some eggs benedick

nancy drew: iiiiiiieyeeyyeyeyeiiiiii don't want a lot for christmas

nancy drew: tHERE IS JUST ONE THING IIII NEEEED

cherry cola: no.

blue jasmine: she just went right into it, didn't she?

pussy queen: cheryl don't be a scrooge

cherry cola: I LOVE CHRISTMAS SHUT UP

cherry cola: i just don't want betty ruining things for me

snake girl: during christmas on the southside we get coal

witch bitch: my aunts told me that santa wasn't real when i was like five

blue jasmine: someone had a sad childhood

pussy princess: said the girl who went to the jingle ball every year and probably was at new years rockin' eye every year too

blue jasmine: i didn't go this year!!!!!

nancy drew: good cause you promised we would bake christmas cookies together

pussy dame: DAS SO CUTE AND GAY

snake girl: i'm probably getting coal again this year

snake girl: no last year i had dead snake skin

cherry cola: toni wtf

pussy queen: toni wtf

witch bitch: wtf toni

ginger spice: two types of people

cherry cola: oH WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR CHRISTMAS GINGER

ginger spice: im going to new york with tina

tina cohen-chang: hi

nancy drew: can you say hi to kurt and rachel while you're there?

tina cohen-chang: betty i'm not actually tina fsdhisfduidufsi

blue jasmine: but your name is tina????

pussy princess: yeah don't lie to us tina

tina cohen-chang: tina PATEL not COHEN-CHANG

witch bitch: you're being very misleading

klumpster: the klumpster is getting a dumpster

nancy drew: ...

pussy dame: ...

ginger spice: ...

blue jasmine: ...

cherry cola: ...

snake girl: ...

pussy princess: ...

tina cohen-chang: ...

pussy queen: ...

witch bitch: ...

muggz: what the fuck midge

klumpster: i waited ALL year to say that

cherry cola: is this what my life has come to

cherry cola: the beginning of this year i had so much to live for.

cherry cola: tina and ginger were at my beck and call.

cherry cola: betty was phat.

nancy drew: CHERYL

cherry cola: shhhh. veronica was still in new york.

pussy queen: but you made so many new friends

cherry cola: tragically

pussy princess: we know you love us cheryl

cherry cola: subjectively

blue jasmine: you little bitch

muggz: yeah cheryl what have we ever done to make your life miserable

witch bitch: you should NOT have asked that

snake girl: she's pulling out her list. she's checking it twice.

pussy dame: everyone is naughty

cherry cola: everything that went wrong with my life this year was bc of betty or veronica

klumpster: HAHAHAHHA

ginger spice: b&v, good & evil, dark & light, ruiners of cheryl's life

nancy drew: it's a hobby

tina cohen-chang: more like a career

cherry cola: ^

muggz: it must be a fun job

blue jasmine: yeah it's hilololololarious

cherry cola: eat a eggs benedick veronica

klumpster: EGGS BENEDICK

pussy queen: yes i'd like some eggs benedick for breakfast

witch bitch: eggnogg and eggs benedick - the true christmas meal

cherry cola: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME

muggz: cheryl it's impossible

nancy drew: you're a joke

blue jasmine: you ginger judas

nancy drew: wrong jesus story v

snake girl: JUDAH JUDAH AH AS

ginger spice: well i mean we're all too impure to try and tell the story of the virgin mary

pussy princess: i once wrote that bible story except it was gay

pussy princess: joseph was josephine

pussy princess: and then during the christmas pageant at church i could sing josephine

pussy dame: TAKE ME BACK JOSEPHINE TO THAT COLD AND DARK DECEMBER

pussy queen: hey i'M JOSEPHINE

pussy queen: I COULD BE JOSEPHINE

muggz: then cheryl could be mary

cherry cola: bish whet bish whet

pussy queen: OMG THE NATIVITY EXCEPT WITH ALL OF US PLAYING THE PARTS

snake girl: can i be a tiger pls

witch bitch: i wanna be lil bo peep

tina cohen-chang: i wANNA BE A PARROT

nancy drew: ...what even

blue jasmine: even at christmas this chat is a mess


	20. lesbian culture

snake girl: bi culture is loving both philip and anne in the greatest showman

blue jasmine: bi culture is also loving steve rogers and diana prince

nancy drew: lesbian culture is watching carol religiously

pussy queen: and oitnb

cherry cola: and any show with lesbians

pussy princess: lesbian culture is falling for straight girls

pussy dame: a m en

tina cohen-chang: lesbian culture is being extra gay for lauren jauregui

klumpster: straight culture is being more than incidentally gay for lauren jauregui

ginger spice: midge u aren't straight

klumpster: moose still thinks so so i'm not gonna ruin his fun

muggz: you haven't broken up with him???

klumpster: me and nancy are trying to set up chuck and moose

witch bitch: i woookekkeee uppp like this

witch bitch: i woke up likekeke thisss

witch bitch: ladiez and gentlegays say i lOOK soO gODOOO tONIGHT

cherry cola: wtf sabrina

witch bitch: sorry i wanted to be extra

snake girl: bi culture is being in love with a fucking loser

witch bitch: hEY

blue jasmine: ^^

nancy drew: VERONICA TAKE THAT BACK

cherry cola: betty is triggeredddd

pussy queen: lesbian culture is having a psychotic girlfriend

cherry cola: JOSIE

pussy princess: cheryl ,,, honey ,,,, you are definitely psychotic

muggz: but its ok cheryl we still love you

ginger spice: mostly

tina cohen-chang: when you're not being rude

cherry cola: kys fatty i'm fucking lovely

pussy dame: I SPIT MY TEA OUT

witch bitch: guys u know that lana song cola

klumpster: yes that's my shit

witch bitch: what if cheryl's pussy tastes like cherry cola

snake girl: sabrina you would know

snake girl: and it does obviously

blue jasmine: lol yeah they're right

pussy queen: puSSYCATS GET MY SHOTGUN

nancy drew: VERONICA LODGE DONT TELL ME YOU ATE CHERYL'S PUSSY

klumpster: i did too

ginger spice: should i bring up the river vixens sleepover last year?

tina cohen-chang: NONONONONO

cherry cola: oh god am i seriously that desperate for pussy

pussy dame: yeah cheryl you're kind of a pillow princess too

muggz: DRRRRAGGGGG HHHEHHEHEHRRR

pussy princess: calm down evERYONE

cherry cola: WHY ARE YOU EXPOSING ME LOSERS

nancy drew: well someone has to before 2018

witch bitch: otherwise god will let you into heaven and we can't have that happen hm?

pussy queen: ooooo burn

cherry cola: yikessss


	21. edge not canceled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last day of 2017 oh boyyyyy. happy new year everyone! may 2018 not suck!
> 
> lol actually 2017 was a great year for me

cherry cola: who is coming to my party tonight

nancy drew: not me

cherry cola: you weren't invited anyways

blue jasmine: it's an open invite cheryl

cherry cola: FUCK

snake girl: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

muggz: chetty canceled

witch bitch: it's beryl

pussy princess: both are bad ship names bc one means some sort of furry thing and the other is a chemical

pussy queen: valerie they're cousins oml

pussy dame: that didn't stop jason and polly

tina cohen-chang: fhoifdoihsfsoidh stop stop stop stop

nancy drew: i can't believe my future nephew or niece is going to be my cousin too

ginger spice: tbh i wouldn't be surprised if everyone in this town is related to each other somehow

blue jasmine: I CAME FROM NEW YORK

klumpster: but your mommy came from here

cherry cola: what if betty and veronica were related that would be so tragic

snake girl: beronica canceled

muggz: cheryl and veronica tho...

witch bitch: it'd be like romeo and juliet the lodges and blossoms are both rich as fuck and hate each other

pussy princess: cheronica canceled

snake girl: apparently my great grandpa got around a lot in greendale

pussy dame: tobrina canceled

witch bitch: WE LITERALLY CANNOT BE RELATED

snake girl: you do realize i'm mixed right

witch bitch: ohf ucckckk

ginger spice: tina and i's families are very close...

nancy drew: gingina canceled

pussy queen: cherosie is still ok bc my mom would rather choke than fuck a blossom

blue jasmine: but not kevin's dad?

cherry cola: UGGDHGHDSGHGSHGS

klumpster: kevin and josie's friendship canceled

muggz: maria and i can't be related so

klumpster: same with me and nancy

pussy dame: can u fuckers date already

pussy princess: MELODY

pussy dame: what it's 2018 can we please get ethel and midge together

klumpster: i don't like ethel like that

snake girl: why the fuck uuu lyinnn

tina cohen-chang: why uuu always lyinnnn

ginger spice: mmmmmm oh my god

witch bitch: STOP FUCKING LYING

muggz: really midge?

klumpster: ok maybe a lil

nancy drew: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

cherry cola: that's my girl.mp3

snake girl: hEY THATS MY THING HOP OFF MY DIACK

cherry cola: run the world (girls).mp3

witch bitch: tmg fits better

cherry cola: WELL TONI COPYRIGHTED IT

pussy queen: so midgethel is real?

blue jasmine: midgethel sounds like a drug

pussy princess: what about edge

witch bitch: sounds very ....... EDGY

pussy dame: BADUM TSS

tina cohen-chang: whyeven

muggz: i like edge

muggz: now take me to pops midge

klumpster: ooo so demanding

cherry cola: I WANNA WATCH

blue jasmine: edge are gonna fuck

snake girl: it'll be edgy......

ginger spice: FOOHUIDDIFDIFU

nancy drew: i feel like this chat is going to start making edge puns from now on

pussy queen: yeah but who's complaining?


	22. did that just happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't believe i'm saying this but... i miss?? riverdale?? only 13 more days hfsuidsiuh

muggz: i hate you all so much

cherry cola: what did sabrina do now

witch bitch: HEY WTAF WHAT DID I DO

ginger spice: what didn't you do

snake girl: wine and dine me properly last night :////

witch bitch: i took you out on a date

snake girl: TO POPS TO SPY ON MIDGE AND ETHEL

nancy drew: oMG JUGHEAD TOLD ME ABOUT THAT

blue jasmine: wtf when is he not at pops

tina cohen-chang: when he's not sucking archie's weenie

nancy: AAA AAHAHH I DONT WANNA THINK ABOUT MY TWO CHILDHOOD FRIENDS LIKE THAT

muggz: tobrina was being really creepy munching on those cheese fries

snake girl: we dem stalkerz

klumpster: stoP

klumpster: whY CAnT U PEOPLE LEAVE US ALONE

witch bitch: bc i'm on team edge

pussy princess: OF GLORY

pussy queen: AND IM HANGING ON A MOMENT OF TRUTH

pussy dame: IM ON THE EDGE OF GLORY

pussy princess: AND IM HANGING ON A MOMENT OF YOU

pussy queen: IM ON THE EDGE

pussy dame: THE EDGE THE EDGE THE EDGE

pussy princess: THE EDGE THE EDGE THE EEEDDDGGGEEE

tina cohen-chang: wow i love the new josie and the pussycats single

blue jasmine: ...that's a lady gaga song

tina cohen-chang: VERONICA SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SHOVE MY SNEAKER SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT YOU'LL TASTE THE SWEAT AND TEARS OF THE CHINESE KID THAT MADE IT 

cherry cola: ASDFGHJKL

ginger spice: 0 to 1000 real quick

nancy drew: my.... eyes....

nancy drew: did that just happen

ginger spice: why are y'all so shocked that tina is offensive when she's mad

snake girl: bc that's something cheryl or sabrina would do not T I N A

muggz: i...... have no words

blue jasmine: i'm more baffled that a sneaker could even fit down my throat

blue jasmine: im smol but mighty

snake girl: im smol but mighty too

klumpster: who run the world? smols

nancy drew: cheryl and i are like the only tol people

muggz: i am toller than both of you

muggz: call me tol queen

pussy princess: she a tolllllll queen

cherry cola: val i love u but stop singing for the love of all that is holy

witch bitch: im holy

witch bitch: cheryl loves me

cherry cola: bitch u so unholy

witch bitch: :(

nancy drew: (:

snake girl: ):

blue jasmine: :)

pussy queen: gay

ginger spice: byE


	23. titty study ft. the moms of riverdale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is for all the people who requested it... please welcome our four new guests: alice cooper, hermione lodge, penelope blossom, and sierra mccoy.

pussy queen: GUYS IM SO SCREWED

pussy queen: MY MOM

snake girl: you screwed your mom?

pussy queen: FSHFSHIFSHISFHI NO

cherry cola: what's going on

pussy queen: my m o m

blue jasmine: yeah we know... she's the mayor

pussy queen: nOOOO

pussy princess: josie.

pussy princess: slow the fuck down.

nancy drew: are you ok?

pussy queen: SHE SAW MY PHONE

pussy queen: AND SHE KNOWS ABOUT THIS GROUP CHAT

cherry cola: ....so?

pussy queen: I AM A DISGRACED DAUGHTER

muggz: we're not all that bad

pussy dame: is she gonna punish you

pussy queen: she wants to give us all a lecture so we gotta be on our best behavior.

witch bitch: um?? i'm always a good girl

snake girl: yeah same

klumpster: me too

ginger spice: i love how the most sinful people of this chat are the ones saying they're good.

cherry cola changed the chat's name to bible study.

tina cohen-chang: wE'RE ALL CHILDREN OF JESUS

pussy princess: k u m b a y a m y l o r d

pussy queen added mayor mccoy to the chat.

klumpster changed the chat's name to titty study.

klumpster: better.

klumpster: oH FUCK

mayor mccoy: JOSEPHINE MCCOY

mayor mccoy: WHAT DID I TELL YOU??????

pussy queen: i'm sorry mom...

mayor mccoy: CHANGE YOUR CHAT NAME RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE.

pussy queen: alright alright

pussy queen changed their name to josie mccoy.

josie mccoy: ... i feel so naked.

cherry cola: mayor mccoy, it's nice to see you.

mayor mccoy: cheryl?????

cherry cola: yeah.

mayor mccoy: at least your name is appropriate.

cherry cola: but your daughter calls me daddy too.

josie mccoy: OH MY GOD STOP CHERYL

witch bitch: my pussy tastes like-

snake girl: SABIRNA SHURT YUP

mayor mccoy: who is witch bitch and snake girl

snake girl: hi mayor mccoy i'm toni topaz i'm from the southside

mayor mccoy: A SOUTHSIDE SERPENT TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER??????

snake girl: cash me ousside how bow dah

nancy drew: guys let's just..... calm down

mayor mccoy: elizabeth cooper!?!?!?!??!?!

nancy drew: hi mayor mccoy.

mayor mccoy: oh wait til i tell your mother about this.

mayor mccoy added alice cooper to the chat.

mayor mccoy: alice your daughter is fornicating with lesbians.

alice cooper: SHE'S WHAT?

nancy drew: hi mom....?

alice cooper: ELIZABETH ANN COOPER!

alice cooper: I AM SO ASHAMED RIGHT NOW!

alice cooper: YOU HAVE DISGRACED US MORE THAN POLLY!

ginger spice: gasp she disgraced them more than polly.

nancy drew: mom... please...

alice cooper: DON'T YOU "MOM... PLEASE..." ME!

nancy drew: i'M tIREd OF beInG YoUR PERfECT DAUGHTeR

tina cohen-chang: she said with as much teen angst as she could muster

pussy princess: OUFIHFODOHIFDHOI

pussy dame: BITCH BYE

mayor mccoy: valerie? melody? change your names now.

pussy princess changed their name to valerie brown.

pussy dame changed their name to melody valentine.

alice cooper: WELL YOU ARE FAR FROM PERFECT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN CORRUPTED BY THESE HOOLIGANS.

alice cooper: THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WORKED HARD FOR YOU TO HAVE.

nancy drew: thEN WHAT isS MoM?

tina cohen-chang: she said with tears streaming down her red cheeks as she clenched her fists as hard as she could

alice cooper: YOU MUST LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER! I WANT YOU TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF!

nancy drew: I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU! WHAT IF THIS IS THE BEST VERSION OF MYSELF?

blue jasmine: lady bird (2017)

nancy drew: veronica, babe, let's not.

alice cooper: VERONICA LODGE!??!?!??! I HATE THAT LITTLE SKANK WITH A BURNING PASSION!

mayor mccoy: veronica???? you too????

blue jasmine: are you surprised?

mayor mccoy: not really.

mayor mccoy added hermione lodge to the chat.

hermione lodge: wow mayor i didn't know you were in "titty study".

muggz: HAHAHAHAHAH OH FGUFGIUDFUID

mayor mccoy: ....josephine change the name.

josie mccoy changed the chat's name to a friendly group conversation.

cherry cola: i'm....

blue jasmine: hi mom!!!

hermione lodge: hey honey. are you going home for dinner or are you going to be with betty?

blue jasmine: mmm hopefully with betty.

alice cooper: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

hermione lodge: okay!! make sure to be home by eleven o'clock and call me or text me every hour to make sure you're okay. :)

mayor mccoy: hermione, do you even understand what's going on?

hermione lodge: yes, my daughter is in a group chat with a bunch of her friends. they're teenagers sierra, let them live.

klumpster: that's my girl.mp3

snake girl: I WILL NOT HESITATATE BITCH

alice cooper: WHO IS SNAKE GIRL?

nancy drew: mom you know you don't have to type in caps all the time.

alice cooper: SHUT UP ELIZABETH, WHO IS SNAKE GIRL?

snake girl: toni of house topaz, the first of her name, member of the southside serpents, probably fucked your bitch twice, and master of this pussy.

alice cooper: YOU'RE TALKING TO A SOUTHSIDE SERPENT????

valerie brown: here comes that... teen angst

melody valentine: tEEEENNN ANNNNGGGGSSST

nancy drew: YES MOM!

hermione lodge: ok anyways. i'm gonna go chill in the living room with hiram. you be safe, okay kids?

blue jasmine: bye mom!

mayor mccoy: wait you can't leave!

hermione lodge left the chat.

muggz: she just DID THO

mayor mccoy: time for some backup.

mayor mccoy added penelope blossom to the chat.

cherry cola: OH GOD NO

cherry cola: ANYONE BUT HER

penelope blossom: that's not a nice way to treat your mother. :)

cherry cola: kys piece of shit.

penelope blossom: cheryl marjorie blossom...

cherry cola: ooh she's full naming me.

cherry cola: i DARE you to slap me.

ginger spice: fight fight fight fight

cherry cola: stfu ginger

alice cooper: WELL IF IT ISN'T PENELOPE BLOSSOM?

penelope blossom: i will bitch slap you again, alice.

muggz: oh my god....

klumpster: this is so entertaining.

alice cooper: DO IT BITCH!

nancy drew: mom!?!?!??!?!

cherry cola: 2nd cousin-in law battle let's gooooooo

josie mccoy: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

josie mccoy removed mayor mccoy, alice cooper, and penelope blossom from the chat.

josie mccoy changed the chat's name to TITTY STUDY.

josie mccoy: the evil is defeated

nancy drew: my mom's gonna kill me.

witch bitch: there are children dying in africa bebby

cherry cola: and now back to your regularly scheduled gay.


	24. bebby cobbler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know updates have been spaced out but it's because i've been so busy and also my muse for riverdale has slacked as we wait for the second half of season 2

nancy drew: i got all As on my finals.

snake girl: nerd

witch bitch: nerd

cherry cola: nerd

ginger spice: nerd

tina cohen-chang: nerd

pussy queen: nerd

pussy princess: nerd

klumpster: nerd

pussy dame: nerd

muggz: ...nerd?

blue jasmine: LEAVE BETTY ALONE

nancy drew: :(

cherry cola: lol no thanks

pussy dame: stfu cheryl you got all As too

cherry cola: well i'm not a nerd

pussy queen: i got all As on my finals too but my mom still grounded me

muggz: i think it might be because of the group chat

nancy drew: oops yeah my mom is really mad at me.

witch bitch: when is she not???

nancy drew: it's true. my mom is always mad at me.

nancy drew: it's like someone out there made it so my mom and i would have a strained relationship and i'd get this "break the cutie" persona. but also to give me more depth as a character and a reason for me to go "dark" all of a sudden, when i'm really just a boring, flat, white girl that thinks the world revolves around her.

klumpster: betty? self-aware? this is new

cherry cola: she's gonna go back to a whiny bitch in 3... 2... 1...

nancy drew: OH MY GOD MY MOM IS THE W O R S T! SHE SAID I CANT HANG OUT WITH JUGGIE! UGH, I HatE hER! Im gOnNA jOIn tHE SOutHSide SERPentS

snake girl: bitch i hope the fuck you don't

blue jasmine: can we pls not make fun of betty

cherry cola: new topic: veronica lodge

muggz: where do i even begin with her?

pussy princess: veronica lodge is flawless.

tina cohen-chang: she has two prada purses and her own driver.

klumpster: i heard her pearls are insured for $10000

snake girl: i hear she does covergirl commercials... in new york

pussy dame: her favorite author is truman capote

witch bitch: one time she met zac efron on a plane...

pussy queen: and he told her she was pretty!

cherry cola: one time she roasted me in front of all my minions... it was awesome.

nancy drew: i love my gf so much

blue jasmine: :') <3 <3

ginger spice: barf gay

cherry cola: i can name another thing: veronica is a horny mf

witch bitch: bitch what bitch what

muggz: that's the pot calling the kettle black

cherry cola: I AM NOT A HORNY MF

blue jasmine: ...you are you want to fuck like all of us except for betty bc she's your cousin

klumpster: cheryl is also very controlling

pussy princess: SHE LOVES CONTROL

pussy dame: SHE WANTS IT HER WAY

pussy queen: AND THERE'S NO WAY SHE'LL EVER STAY UNLESS YOU GIVE IT UP

tina cohen-chang: man i love the new josie and the pussycats single

cherry cola: THATS A CANOLA CALESBO SONG TINA

nancy drew: canola calesbo....

cherry cola: bebby cobbler

ginger spice: BEBBY COBBLER

nancy drew: it'S NOT THAT FUNNY

klumpster: AHAHAHHAHAHA

klumpster changed the chat's name to BEBBY COBBLER ROASTING SOCIETY.

blue jasmine: omg y'all i can't

muggz: don't ruin cobble for me you fucks i stfg

nancy drew: cherry blossom

nancy drew: ...wait

pussy princess: you tried.

nancy drew: ugh. darn it.


	25. #justiceforthepussycats

klumpster: we don't appreciate the pussycats enough

muggz: amen

muggz: we only use them for our performances and then we ignore them like days later

ginger spice: if we say they're like destiny's child, why don't we actually treat them like that?

tina cohen-chang: the tea today is exceptionally good

pussy dame: EXACTLY I AM THE MOST IRRELEVANT PUSSYCAT AND ITS ANNOYING

pussy dame: PEOPLE ONLY REMEMBER MY NAME BC ITS COOL

pussy dame: JOSIE IS JUST BABY BEYONCE AND VALERIE IS COOL BC SHE DATED ARCHIE

snake girl: WE DEMAND JUSTICE

nancy drew: i walked into a riot didn't i?

nancy drew: calm down guys.

pussy princess: betty shut ur privileged ass mouth now

cherry cola: o shit

pussy princess: u as well cheryl don't think i didn't hear about u replacing me as a pussycat at retro night

witch bitch: oooooooooooo

pussy queen: i love u girls so much

cherry cola: ok but what about veronica being a pussycat??? she ain't black

blue jasmine: i'm a woc, latinx.... try again

ginger spice: AIRHORN NOISESSSS

klumpster: no more of archie's bland music we want upbeat spicy sapphic bops

blue jasmine: omg betty remember when jughead said that archie's music makes him want to slit his wrists in a good way

nancy drew: fhiofidhoihdfs i know.... that was so bad.

cherry cola: face it, wednesday addams is problematic

snake girl: STOP TALKING SHIT ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND

nancy drew: YOUR BEST FRIEND?????

witch bitch: oh lord here we go again

snake girl: yeah northside bitch jughead and i see eye to eye

nancy drew: he's my partner in mystery solving.

snake girl: i thought that was veronica????

nancy drew: jughead and i broke into a creepy religious places beat thaTTT!!!!

snake girl: we're both in a gang fight me

nancy drew: we both work for the blue and gold.

snake girl: WE WORK FOR THE RED AND BLACK

pussy queen: SHUT. TF. UP.

pussy queen: THE CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT BLACK EXCELLENCE NOT A PASTY WHITE VAMPIRE EMO BOY

snake girl: oops sorry queen j i love u

nancy drew: sorry josie, continue....

pussy princess: see this is why we need justice for us pussycats bc then white bimbos like betty will start praising other white bimbos

tina cohen-chang: t r u e

pussy dame: every thursday should be pussycat day

pussy dame: drop yo shit and praise the pussycat

witch bitch: our pussycat mother, who art in

witch bitch: AHHHH IM BURNNINNGHFGSFISIS

cherry cola: sabrina u can't pray bc u is made of sin

witch bitch: :(

muggz: pussycat thursday

muggz: right after book club wednesday perfect :)

klumpster: ahahahhhh babe ur so pure

muggz: <3

cherry cola: barf

blue jasmine: hey don't make fun of bookclub wednesday... we're talking about brave new world and it's good

nancy drew: i find it interesting that they worship orgies

snake girl: ............

ginger spice: ................

pussy queen: gorl wtf

muggz: we're changing the subject to betty again

pussy princess: SHIT RIGHT

pussy princess: #justiceforthepussycats

pussy queen: #justiceforthepussycats

pussy dame: #justiceforthepussycats

tina cohen-chang: i love this new josie and the pussycats single?

cherry cola: T I N A A A A A A A A A A


	26. choni is rising

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's my birthday so you get an update and another one coming tomorrow :))))

blue jasmine: did you hear the news?

witch bitch: what news

nancy drew: THE NEWS

witch bitch: FFS WHAT IS THE NEWS

klumpster: southside high closed

ginger spice: *pretends to be shocked*

snake girl: AHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

snake girl: WE BOUT TO RUN THIS SHIT

snake girl: TONI TOPAZ HERE GONNA TAKE YOUR CHICK

tina cohen-chang: oh god no

cherry cola: ........FUCK OFF

cherry cola: SOUTHSIDE SERPENT SCUM

snake girl: whY dOn'T yoU coME oVER herE aNd sAY THAT tO MY faCE

cherry cola: GLADLY QUEEN OF THE BUSKERS

pussy queen: yo ladiez turn down the sexual tension

pussy princess: you don't want a lemonade pt. 2

witch bitch: wtf am i the only outsider now

pussy dame: tragically

muggz: don't worry we still love you sabrina

snake girl: shUT UP THIS DAY IS ABOUT ME

snake girl: I FINALLY GET A GOOD EDUCATION AND LOVE AND SUPPORT

nancy drew: i found my brother....

cherry cola: stfu bebby

blue jasmine: hEY

tina cohen-chang: petition for toni to join the vixens

pussy queen: in other news the pussycats have been disbanded until further notice

pussy princess: WHAT

pussy dame: WHAT

pussy queen: idk.... it just happened

ginger spice: THATS SO BULLSHIT

snake girl: :( i wanted to join

witch bitch: allllll byyyyyy myyyyssseeellfllflflffff

klumpster: cheryl stop kicking that freshman

cherry cola: IM PISSED

muggz: we k n o w but leave her alone

cherry cola: MY HOME LIFE IS ALREADY TRAGIQUE I REFUSE TO HAVE TONI AND HER GANG OF GREASERS RUIN MY ONLY SOLACE

nancy drew: i'm glad i skipped school today.

blue jasmine: i wish i did but daddy wanted me to welcome the serpents

snake girl: hey cheryllllll

cherry cola: hngh

snake girl: are your legs made of nutella

snake girl: bc i wanan spread them

pussy queen: NONONONONONONONONO

pussy queen: GET AWAY FROM MY GIRL

witch bitch: TONI NO

cherry cola: toni u cute but no

pussy princess: i think choni is rising

pussy dame: red serpent

tina cohen-chang: i ship it

pussy queen: but cherosie????

witch bitch: tobrina????

blue jasmine: ...we will settle this in court

cherry cola: bitch i don't trust any lodge in anything to do with the law cause y'all shady as fuck

muggz: she's right but she shouldn't say it

blue jasmine: ETHEL I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE

muggz: my name is ethel muggs, you killed my father, prepare to die!!!!

nancy drew: I WILL OVERSEE THE COURT SINCE YOU ALL NEED BIBLE STUDY AND JESUS!

klumpster: guys wait

klumpster: we already had a josie vs toni battle

witch bitch: we're adding cheryl vs sabrina now

ginger spice: choni vs jobrina

ginger spice: wait now i'm confused

nancy drew: WE WILL SETTLE THIS IN COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	27. tv hates gays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sAID this was going to be on the twentieth but i lied o o ps i blame how busy and distracted i've been

nancy drew: today's discourse: jobrina vs choni

cherry cola: no

witch bitch: yes

snake girl: y'all i am so loyal i wouldn't cheat on sabrina

klumpster: THESE HOES AIN'T LOYAL

pussy queen: mmmmmm i smell bullshit

blue jasmine: betty ily but they're right

nancy drew: hnnnnggh fine court canceled

ginger spice: dam i was waiting for that boiling hot tea

tina cohen-chang: another day

muggz: today's actual discourse: why brittana was overshadowed by klaine

pussy princess: OK TRUE

pussy princess: FUCK THOSE LITTLE GAY BROADWAY BOYS LOOKING LIKE ELEVEN YEAR OLD BOYS

pussy dame: brittana deserved a wholesome wedding without klaine

witch bitch: brittana deserved better in general

nancy drew: what about faberry or karley

ginger spice: faberry???? hell yes quinn was so gay for rachel

tina cohen-chang: just like how kitty was for marley :')

cherry cola: *inhales* clexa..........

cherry cola: fucking clexa

snake girl: I LOVED CLEXA SM OMG THE CW DID THEM SO DIRTY

witch bitch: BRING BACK THE ONLY COMMANDER FOR ME

blue jasmine: the cw does everyone dirty..... even us.....

muggz: illuminaughty confirmed we are all controlled by the cw

klumpster: ooOOOoOOoOOooOOOo

pussy queen: you know who else the cw did dirty? sanvers

pussy dame: a m e n

pussy princess: hOW DARE THEY BREAK UP THE PUREST LESBIANS EVER

tina cohen-chang: this josie and the pussycats single is so woke

cherry cola: .....tina

witch bitch: supercorp?

blue jasmine: queerbait but i love it

nancy drew: lena is so gay for kara

pussy dame: CAN WE TALK ABOUT VAUSEMAN

snake girl: that one is a #mess they break up all the time and like fuck oitnb

muggz: flaritza can stay

klumpster: YES FLARITZA

pussy queen: kelly & yorkie :')

pussy princess: HAPPY ENDING FOR THE GAYS IN A SAD SHOW ICONIC

blue jasmine: hollstein tho

witch bitch: who doesn't like a gay vampire

cherry cola: i am a gay vampire

nancy drew: shook!

witch bitch: most of these lesbians aren't even canon which SUCKS

witch bitch: tv hates gays

snake girl: they prefer the relationship of a bland white boy and a strong female character that becomes bland bc of the boy

ginger spice: i sense shade....

tina cohen-chang: yeahhhh shade against the cw

nancy drew: ......

blue jasmine: ......

cherry cola: so anyways toni looked hot today

cherry cola: OW JOSIE WHY DID YOU SLAP ME

pussy queen: bc you deserve it


	28. poor sabrina

witch bitch: i feel like death and suffering

snake girl: same

witch bitch: why??

snake girl: white people

pussy queen: ^

pussy princess: ^^

pussy dame: ^^^

nancy drew: um why?

snake girl: do i REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF

nancy drew: yes

klumpster: don't

snake girl: INHALES

cherry cola: WHO IS EXCITED FOR THE MUSICAL?? ME, I AM

snake girl: EXHALES

blue jasmine: don't tell me crazy extra cheryl blossom is a theater geek

cherry cola: ;))))

muggz: she lives for it omg cheryl will literally go straight and suck the director's dick if she has to

witch bitch: IUFIFSSIFSIO WHO IS THE DIRECTOR

nancy drew: kevin.

pussy princess: GIRL BYE

cherry cola: EW NO I WOULDNT SUCK HIS DICK

klumpster: but he IS fine

muggz: midge he's g a y

klumpster: i kNoW

blue jasmine: well i was big on theater back in new york so i'm gonna trying out for the female lead

tina cohen-chang: OOOOH I WOULDNT DO THAT

ginger spice: no veronica should

ginger spice: dethrone the queen

cherry cola: suck a diKK ginger

pussy queen: my mom wants me to focus on my solo career so i can't

pussy dame: FUCKKK THAT

pussy queen: my mom is rly annoying tbh

pussy princess: u don't sAYYY

muggz: yeah rly i miss the pussycats

witch bitch: WHY AM I SO OUT OF THE LOOP THIS SUCKS LITERALLy

witch bitch: THATS IT IM TRANSFERRING TO RIVERDALE HIGH

klumpster: u sure u want to bc you'll have to deal with

cherry cola: IF YOU AUDITION FOR CARRIE VERONICA I WILL TURN YOU INTO SCREAMING SOUP

blue jasmine: DO IT BITCH

snake girl: i like that weed weed weed and shaming white people people people

nancy drew: hey guys should i become a cam girl?

pussy queen: iiiii hate the loodddggeesss

pussy princess: i'm irrelevant

pussy dame: i'm irrelevant x2

tina cohen-chang: i'm irrelevant x3

ginger spice: i'm irrelevant x4

muggz: i'm irrelevant x100000

witch bitch: ...ok you make a good point


	29. smash or pass gone wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for the late update my life has been biting me in the behind tbhhh

cherry cola: hoes

cherry cola: let's play smash or pass

nancy drew: why?

cherry cola: what do you mean WHY

pussy queen: i'm down

pussy princess: down down down

pussy dame: omfg val

blue jasmine: ok let's do it lesbos

witch bitch: I WANNA START

witch bitch: smash or pass archie andrews

pussy queen: pass

tina cohen-chang: hard pass

ginger spice: pass

pussy queen: the biggest pass ever

muggz: i'm conflicted

nancy drew: smash

snake girl: OH LIKE THATS A SURPRISE THERE

snake girl: oh and pass

blue jasmine: ....smash

pussy princess: smash

pussy dame: pass

klumpster: smash tbh

cherry cola: smash

witch bitch: lolololololol i saw no surprises there

snake girl: CAN I GO

snake girl: smash or pass jughead jones

muggz: pass

cherry cola: pass

pussy queen: pass

pussy dame: pass

ginger spice: pass

nancy drew: ...pass

blue jasmine: pass

klumpster: p a s s

muggz: pass

pussy princess: pass

tina cohen-chang: pass

witch bitch: smash

cherry cola: SUISFUFSSOFSOFHSSFHISFIO SABRINA

witch bitch: what? i love me some emo boy

witch bitch: he can eat my pussy while he's talking about how weird he is

snake girl: OSDHIDOHSSOSDIGF STIOP

muggz: I DIDNT NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE

ginger spice: oK smash or pass betty cooper

pussy queen: pass

pussy princess: pass

pussy dame: pass

nancy drew: OUCH THAT HURT

cherry cola: pass only bc we're related otherwise smash smash smash

muggz: smash

klumpster: smash

snake girl: smash ;) love u bebby

nancy drew: <3333 toni

witch bitch: hard pass

tina cohen-chang: pass

blue jasmine: smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash

cherry cola: jfc veronica wtf

nancy drew: ok that is actually really sweet. veronica i love you smmmmmmm.

tina cohen-chang: SMASH OR PASS VERONICA LODGE

snake girl: 150% smash

witch bitch: s m a s h

cherry cola: smash!!!!!!!!!!!

pussy queen: smassshhhh

pussy princess: smash

pussy dame: smash

nancy drew: would def smash while fighting all of these hoes.

ginger spice: smash

muggz: smash for sure

klumpster hella smash

blue jasmine: :')))))))) you guysssss

pussy dame: smash or pass cheryl blossom

pussy queen: *screaming* S M A S H 

snake girl: would smash for days

pussy queen: BACK OFF SNAKE

snake girl: TRY ME YOU PUSSIE

pussy princess: smasshh

ginger spice: smash

pussy queen: MY MOMMA GONNA EVICT YOU

snake girl: ooooh using your mayor mother as your weapon w e a k

cherry cola: would smash myself tbh

nancy drew: pass.

pussy queen: you just don't know the power of being on top

snake girl: i beg to differ i am definitely a top

witch bitch: SMASHAROO

witch bitch: TONI SHUT UP DONT EXPOSE ME AS A BOTTOM FDGFGIDUGUIFI

pussy queen: then you must be one weak top if sabrina is this out of control

snake girl: i am a serpent how do u expect me to control a witch that's like asking betty to stop being gay - you just can't do it

muggz: smash

klumpster: smash

tina cohen-chang: smash

pussy queen: i know many ways to put the supernatural down,,,, after all cheryl is a vampire

snake girl: oh wow should we change your name to mary sue because you can do everything?

blue jasmine: FUCKEN SMASH

cherry cola: toni babe betty is a mary sue

nancy drew: I AM NOT A BETTY SUE I HAVE FLAWS

klumpster: and they are?

nancy drew: not being perfect

pussy princess: lame she is def a mary sue if she can't think of one good flaw

blue jasmine: GUYS SHHH

pussy queen: WAITTFE E*ER*REERIORYIPRE CHERYL DONT CALL TONI BABE

cherry cola: @ toni babe babe babe babe babe babe babe

witch bitch: i am oddly turned on by this

ginger spice: me too

snake girl: @ cheryl princess princess princess princess princess princess princess

pussy queen: i'm blocking cheryl

cherry cola: do it binch

cherry cola has left the chat.

pussy queen has left the chat.

nancy drew has been promoted to chat administrator.

muggz: what just happened

pussy dame: when you block someone in the same chat it removes both of you

tina cohen-chang: LMFAO

nancy drew: ok, but why am i chat admin?

blue jasmine: bc you're the vice president of rivergay

nancy drew: oHHHHHHH

nancy drew: fangaytastic.

snake girl: don't ever say that again.

snake girl: i also love being the veronica in a archie betty veronica love triangle with cheryl and josie.

nancy drew: did she just?

blue jasmine: yeah she just did

muggz: ok guys i kinda miss cheryl

ginger spice: ADD ME BACK YOU STUPID GAYS -CHERYL

pussy princess: josie wants back in too

tina cohen-chang: but they still won't unblock eachother!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?

nancy drew: punish them. leave them out of the chat.

nancy drew: cooper out!


	30. cheryl u done fucked up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> late valentine's day update xoxo

pussy queen: CHERYL BLOSSOM YOU ARE SO DEAD

pussy queen: IM GONNA KILL YOU GINGER SHIT

cherry cola: what did i do now

klumpster: what didn't you do

pussy queen: HOW COULD YOU FORGET VALENTINE'S DAY

cherry cola: jason loved valentine's day

blue jasmine: oh here we ago again

cherry cola: shut up puta

nancy drew: cheryl!

pussy queen: srsly wtffff cheryl we're dating and you forgot to get me shit for valentine's day

pussy queen: like really it should be your favorite holiday

cherry cola: um why?????

pussy queen: because love :)

witch bitch: cheryl is incapable of loving another human being isn't it obvious?

cherry cola: KILL URSELF UGLY GO SUCK HARVEY'S DICK

pussy princess: well somebody ain't been hitting it right

pussy dame: cause she act like she need dick in her life

ginger spice: *cough* josie *cough*

pussy queen: rude!!!!!!

tina cohen-chang: ok i know that's a nicki minaj song so i'll refrain from doing my thing

cherry cola: the bitch gets a brain and the world comes crashing down

pussy queen: i'm breaking up with you

nancy drew: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

blue jasmine: oH mY gOD

klumpster: ITS THE END TIMES

witch bitch: my ship :'(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

muggz: ok what did i just walk into

tina cohen-chang: quiet ethel it's getting good

cherry cola: bitch u can't break up with me

pussy queen: yes i can

cherry cola: no u can't

pussy queen: yes i can

cherry cola: no u can't

pussy queen: yes i can

cherry cola: no u can't

pussy queen: YES I CAN YES I CAN

cherry cola: ...no u can't

blue jasmine: fdfdsiisfiosdhiosdiohfho bitchhhhh

pussy queen: you're the worst cheryl you're only capable of loving yourself

cherry cola: maybe so

pussy princess: this is riveting i can't breathe -kevin

pussy dame: give valerie her phone back weasel

nancy drew: you guys do realize that we're all in the same room and cheryl and josie are breaking up with each other while sitting next to each other?

snake girl: and i'm horny as fuck

muggz: why would you say thAT

snake girl: calm down daisy i'm kidding

muggz: i have a bad feeling you aren't

snake girl: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

cherry cola: josie... i'm sorry

pussy queen: sorry isn't going to cut it

pussy queen: i'm fucking beyonce and you're no better than taylor swift

nancy drew: that's a compliment? taylor swift is awesome.

blue jasmine: oh, babe...

ginger spice: ofc some white chick like betty would like taylor swift

klumpster: DONT YUCK OTHER PEOPLE'S YUM

cherry cola: hey peanut gallery? can you shut the fuck up?

tina cohen-chang: i'm allergic to peanuts

pussy princess: oh tina

pussy queen: text me when you get some decency

pussy queen has left the chat.

cherry cola: i...

blue jasmine: cheryl u done fucked up

cherry cola: SHUT IT WHORE

witch bitch: do u need some comfort and support toni and i can help you ;))))

cherry cola: threesome?

snake girl: i like this idea

nancy drew: wh a t?? shouldn't you be trying to fix things with josie???

cherry cola: i've established that i'm a bad person so i decided to take the better route: threesomes. it always works in dragon age.

pussy princess: N E R D -kevin

klumpster: i don't know if i should be more shocked that cheryl plays video games or that val and kevin are friends

muggz: both

cherry cola: sTOP JUDGING ME I JUST GOT DUMPED

ginger spice: but you kind of deserved it

tina cohen-chang: you're a shitty gf

cherry cola: thanks tina you smell like asscracks and depression

snake girl: that's hot

blue jasmine: how ?

snake girl: ;)


	31. don't talk to me or my son again sabrina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!! i know it's been a long time since i've updated but tbh riverdale was a little too straight for me for a bit so i kind of lost motivation for this. however, now that choni is here and blessing our screens updates will be more frequent again! sorry for the month-long wait so here's an update today and one planned for tomorrow!

cherry cola: my loves

cherry cola: my babushkas

cherry cola: i have missed you

pussy queen: actually same

cherry cola: wh??? u ain't pissed at me anymore???

pussy princess: she got over it real quick

pussy queen: no hard feelings right cheryl?

cherry cola: i'm offended

ginger spice: r u tho

cherry cola: IF U KNOW HOW I FEEL WHY WOULD U SAY THAT LIKE U PUT ME IN SUCH AN UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION LIKE U KNOW I'M NOT HAPPY U KNOW I'M TRYING TO SEE IF IT'LL WORK OUT HERE AND I KNOW THAT IT WON'T

blue jasmine: cheryl shut the fuck up

cherry cola: excuse me veronica i'm having a crisis here my ex-gf or whatever is over me

blue jasmine: i literally do not give a fuck

pussy dame: damn who peed in your cheerios

klumpster: better question: is betty putting out properly?

nancy drew: I AM A PROFICIENT LOVER EXCUSE ME!!!!???

witch bitch: betty if you shove your thumb up ronnie's ass i win

tina cohen-chang: WHATTEHEHFUIFGISUF

muggz: SABRINA THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE

witch bitch: where??????

muggz: i am the child

witch bitch: it's about time u grew the fuck up ethel i'm gonna tell u how to properly pleasure a woman

muggz: MOMMY!!!!!

cherry cola: don't talk to me or my son again sabrina

pussy queen: what

pussy princess: what

pussy dame: what

cherry cola: yes i'm ethel's mom

blue jasmine: then who's the father

snake girl: DID SOMEBODY SAY FATHER????

muggz: DADDDYYYYYYY

klumpster: ohmaigod

cherry cola: baby why haven't u texted back

nancy drew: b a b y ?

ginger spice: oh my god it's happening isn't it

snake girl: i was but then i sensed my daughter was in trouble

cherry cola: i always come first :(

snake girl: i know babygirl, but priorities

witch bitch: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

witch bitch: SINCE WHEN WERE CHERYL AND TONI A THING

cherry cola: wE'RE nOT a THING

nancy drew: ???????

cherry cola: toni is my emotional support

cherry cola: after i got dumped by josie i went and cried at the bijou

cherry cola: and then i cried some more cause josie and kevin were seeing love, simon together and i wanted to be gay with them

pussy queen: ...you could have asked

cherry cola: it was a very.... emotional.... time....

snake girl: basically i bought her popcorn and milkshakes at pops and she talked about her feelings

tina cohen-chang: that's really gay wtf

cherry cola: and then we went home and told the babysitter to fuck off

ginger spice: i'm still waiting for my $20 for watching ethel

snake girl: YOU WERE SHOWING HER HAPPY TREE FRIENDS YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY PENNIES

muggz: my eyes..... were scarred

klumpster: i'm gonna kill u ginger

tina cohen-chang: can i help

cherry cola: same

snake girl: me 3

witch bitch: oh what the hell sign me up too

ginger spice: WTF IS THIS A GINGER LOPEZ WITCH HUNT

nancy drew: it'd be a witch hunt IF you were a witch. the only witch here is sabrina.

pussy dame: tho i wouldn't be surprised if ginger was a witch cheryl is a vampire after all

cherry cola: wink wink nudge nudge

ginger spice: i hate u all

ginger spice: except for josie she's always been a real one and veronica bc she's hot

blue jasmine: ;)))))

nancy drew: OK THAT'S IT SIGN ME UP FOR KILLING GINGER TOO. NO ONE CALLS VERONICA HOT BUT ME.


	32. tragically sad dark bebby

blue jasmine: everyone i have to tell you something about betty

nancy drew: RONNIE NO

witch bitch: RONNIE YES

ginger spice: is it that her brother's weird bc we been knew

blue jasmine: asdfghjkl no

blue jasmine: a few weekends ago betty, archiekins, jughead, and i went to lodge lodge

klumpster: THATS SUCH A DUMB NAME

pussy queen: I THINK ITS BRILLIANT

pussy queen: HER LAST NAME IS LODGE AND ITS A LODGE HAHAHAHDSJKHDDSSDSKJ

pussy dame: josie u good

pussy queen: i'M FINE KEVIN AND I ARE GOING TO BE SIBLINGS OR SOMETHING THIS IS FINE

muggz: narrator: she was not fine

blue jasmine: LET ME TELL MY STORY

pussy princess: i am interested in what you have to say v

blue jasmine: thank u val

tina cohen-chang: wait where's choni

blue jasmine: SHUT UP TINA

klumpster: last i heard cheryl was prepping toni for her river vixens try out

nancy drew: OH SO TONI GETS HELP FROM CHERYL BUT VERONICA'S GOTTA MAKE OUT WITH ME AND THEN ROAST CHERYL FOR ME TO GET ON THE SQUAD???

nancy drew: that's racist

pussy queen: SHUT YO ASS UP BEBBY

pussy princess: reverse

pussy dame: racism

pussy queen: isn't

pussy princess: real

tina cohen-chang: a woke pussycats song

nancy drew: ....okay i see the issue in what i was saying.

blue jasmine: ANYWAYS THIS WAS A ROMANTIC GETAWAY

cherry cola: i wasn't invited bc apparently i'm incapable of love

blue jasmine: bitch u called jughead and said archie kissed betty

cherry cola: IM NOT GOOD AT HANDLING MY FEELINGS

nancy drew: yOU MADE JUGGIE CRY

ginger spice: wait archie kissed you??????

nancy drew: no he didn't omg no.

witch bitch: you sound like you're disgusted tho why the change of heart

nancy drew: two words: veronica lodge

blue jasmine: ;)))))

blue jasmine: btw it was a real wild weekend lots of sex

cherry cola: ew

snake girl: cheryl get off your phone

cherry cola: YOU get off YOUR phone

snake girl: no

cherry cola: ok

witch bitch: GIRL SHE WHIPPED AF

pussy queen: i ship it

cherry cola: STOP IT YOU GUYS!!! I'M JUST HELPING TONI WITH CHEERLEADING

snake girl: i need help with the spread eagle

cherry cola: coming!!!!

muggz: .....

muggz: w h y did u leave me here to burn

muggz: i'm way too young to be this scarred for life

blue jasmine: it's about to get worse

muggz: oh heck no

blue jasmine: betty and i have sex i'm sure you all know this

witch bitch: no i wasn't aware please give me all the details

ginger spice: SHUT UP SABRINA

blue jasmine: so betty has this dark side right??? so i did something bad

blue jasmine: i got really heated with jughead and kissed him

pussy queen: what on earth

nancy drew: .....

blue jasmine: so i was getting ready for bed and she comes in with a towel like "did u like kissing jughead" and i'm like "no duh lol" she goes into the bathroom for a few minutes so i'm like k

blue jasmine: and then she goes "cause if u did i might have to punish u"

pussy princess: oh shit oh shit

blue jasmine: and then betty walks out in black lingerie and if i had a dick i would have had a tent in my sweats and then i look up at her

blue jasmine: AND SHES WEARING THE HIDEOUS BLACK WIG

pussy dame: WHATATAT

nancy drew: RONNIE

blue jasmine: THE SAME ONE SHE USED WHEN WE CONFRONTED CHUCK LIKE IT WAS SEXY AT FIRST BUT NOW ITS LIKE WEIRD

nancy drew: veronica stopppppp

blue jasmine: i couldn't have sex with her bc i was laughing too much

witch bitch: that's actually kind of cute

tina cohen-chang: agree

pussy queen: tragically sad dark bebby

pussy princess: not dark enough for veronica

blue jasmine: b is just the cutest lil babygirl ever :)

nancy drew: i'm a badass!!!!!

klumpster: AWW LOOK AT HER SHE'S SO PRECIOUS

muggz: MOM AND DAD CAN WE KEEP HER

cherry cola: i'm not adopting betty as a pet

cherry cola: even if she is a bitch

snake girl: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THAT WAS SO GOOD BABE

witch bitch: d8 already

cherry cola: suck my ass

nancy drew: are we going to ignore the fact that cheryl just called me a bitch?

klumpster: yes

muggz: yes

witch bitch: yes

pussy dame: yes

pussy queen: yes

ginger spice: yes

pussy princess: yes

snake girl: yes

tina cohen-chang: yes

cherry cola: hell yeah

blue jasmine: ...yes

nancy drew: SCREW ALL OF YOU


	33. soft cheryl is the best cheryl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just posted a choni fic called court intrigue. if you wanna be cool go check it out, but if not that's also cool you'll just be missing out on something great!!! (not biased at all nope)

snake girl: good morning my favorite party people does anyone wanna hang out

nancy drew: it's midnight.

snake girl: pussy

nancy drew: you know what they say......

muggz: don't you dare finish that sentence elizabeth cooper

klumpster: does that mean i'm a weed

pussy queen: MIDGE U DONT EAT WEED

klumpster: i know but it happened by accident :((((((((((((

pussy princess: oh my god ethel go get ur girl

tina cohen-chang: wHY THE FRICK FRACK PATTY WHACK GIVE A DOG A BONE ARE YOU ALL UP

muggz: teenage rebellion

tina cohen-chang: fuck yeah stick it to the old people

nancy drew: shut up you're 16.

tina cohen-chang: that would be old in the caveman's time u can call me awa tina

pussy queen: i'm never calling you that

snake girl: HEY GAYS

snake girl: anyone who ISNT A PUSSY LIKE ELIZABETH COOPER WANNA HANG OUT

pussy queen: guess me & my girls are out

witch bitch: i would hang out but salem's on my lap and he's being a bitch i think he's on his period

muggz: MENstral cycle

witch bitch: THATS SUCH A GREAT NAME THANKS ETHEL

snake girl: good excuse have a nice day

blue jasmine: i can sneak out and chill with you antoinette

snake girl: dONT CALL ME THAT VERONEEKA

snake girl: but thank u my sister in bi

ginger spice: sabrina can u tell salem that i love him

witch bitch: no

pussy princess: why are you all up at such ungodly hours me n melody are t i r e d

pussy dame: and where's cheryl

nancy drew: good question where is my cousin? it's too quiet without her

tina cohen-chang: MAYBE SHES ASLEEP LIKE YOU ALL SHOULD BE YOU STUPID HOMOSEXUALS

blue jasmine: toni come to pembrooke por favor

snake girl: ok time to hop on this dick bicycle and riiiiiiidddeee

ginger spice: ew

muggz: disgusting

pussy queen: god toni wtf

pussy princess: im going back to bed gnight losers

pussy dame: night babe

pussy dame: WIAT NO IM SLEEPING TOO

blue jasmine: good night loves

klumpster: practice safe sex!!!!!

muggz: i should sleep too i have a test tomorrow

klumpster: good night my sweet little nugget <333333

witch bitch: oh my god i love edge

snake girl: i can't believe everyone's going to bed like fkn losers

ginger spice: toni dont tell me ur texting and riding

snake girl: i'm at a stoplight it's all good

nancy drew: AND WHERE IS CHERYL????

blue jasmine: she's probably fine stop worrying

witch bitch: cheryl does value her sleep

tina cohen-chang: EXACTLY SO STOP WORRYING AND LET ME SLEEP

ginger spice: oh god not you too

tina cohen-chang: rudE

tina cohen-chang: good night to everyone except ginger lopez

klumpster: y'all are so petty!!!!! night loser

snake girl: VERONICA LET ME IN

blue jasmine: k

snake girl: don't e v e r use k again

cherry cola: hi

nancy drew: ITS CHERYL OH MY GOD FUFOIFFIHIFOFDHIOF I WAS SO WORRIED

pussy queen: you would think based on betty's reaction that they were fucking

nancy drew: .................

cherry cola: ahahaha so funny

snake girl: cher you good?

cherry cola: im fine tt just tired

snake girl: you should sleep then

cherry cola: but i wanna talk to you :(

witch bitch: wtf this is so cute

ginger spice: soft cheryl is the best cheryl

cherry cola: im not soFT im a scary red vampire that just wants an a on her project

muggz: am i speaking to cheryl blossom

cherry cola: a tired one yes

blue jasmine: cheryl ur actually so cute

blue jasmine: OW TONI WTF

snake girl: thats not allowed ,,,, not in this courtroom

nancy drew: veronica i thought i was cute.

blue jasmine: you are when cheryl is being her extra self. midnight cheryl is so fisfssfoiy wow i'm so bi

cherry cola: stfu veronica keep your hormones in check

pussy queen: usually we gotta keep your hormones in check lmao

cherry cola: times have changed josie

cherry cola: im a bad bitch with hormonal control like no other

ginger spice: hahhahahaha we'll see how that lasts

klumpster: it won't cause cheryl loves girls

cherry cola: WHATEVER LOSERS IM GOING TO BED

cherry cola: I HOPE EVERYONE BURNS IN HELL EXCEPT FOR TONI

snake girl: that is the nicest thing cheryl has ever said to me

cherry cola: SHES LYING I COMPLIMENT HER ALL THE TIME

nancy drew: ooooooooooooooo

blue jasmine: ;) ;) ;)

witch bitch: gayyyyyyyy

cherry cola: G O O D N I G H T


	34. pillow princesses are valid

pussy queen: sabrina

witch bitch: huh

pussy queen: why is your stupid ass hitler cat at my house

pussy queen: most importantly why is he trying to tell me about the time he tried to take over the world

witch bitch: SALEM!!! THATS WHERE HE WENT

pussy princess: riverdale is a long way from greendale

witch bitch: ...he can teleport

klumpster: i wanna see him

pussy queen: [imaged attached]

cherry cola: wtf josie you look like shite try to be original next time

pussy dame: HEY DONT USE MY LINE AGAINST ME

ginger spice: josie ily but u do look like shite

pussy queen: wtf did i do to deserve this bullying

cherry cola: no she doesn't look like "shite" i was kidding

cherry cola: thats MY sweater you're wearing

pussy queen: i was wondering why it smelled like blood and semen

cherry cola removed pussy queen from the chat.

tina cohen-chang: savage.

cherry cola added pussy queen to the chat.

pussy queen: i'm sorry i won't do it again

pussy queen: side note: salem has a huge dick

witch bitch: yeah i know

nancy drew: NO DICK ALLOWED IN THIS WHOLESOME CHAT

blue jasmine: if this is a wholesome chat i wanna know what sabrina and toni's conversations were when they were dating

snake girl: we mostly talked about salem's dick

witch bitch: toni agrees with me on his size

ginger spice: what teh fcuckckk

cherry cola: wtf ginger i thought u were a furry

cherry cola: u'd love to hop on that cat dick

pussy princess: oh my gOD nO

ginger spice: i have.... no words

klumpster: guys ethel won't answer my texts

nancy drew: she's with me, asleep like a little baby.

klumpster: :')

blue jasmine: :')

ginger spice: :'(

ginger spice: ethel being so adorable makes me cri in sadness

cherry cola: you know what else makes me sad

snake girl: i'm not getting the proper love and treatment i need from you?

nancy drew: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

blue jasmine: uM WHAT

pussy queen: DSDISDODSHOSDSOI TONI

cherry cola: toni.

cherry cola: why would u say that.

snake girl: because it's true

tina cohen-chang: the tea is hot today

nancy drew: i'm HAPPY tO TELL EVERYONE THAT VERONICA TREATS ME AMAZINGLY!!!!!

blue jasmine: thanks b <333333

pussy dame: no one asked you beronica

witch bitch: yeah fuck off beronica you're irrelevant

nancy drew: :(

blue jasmine: :(

klumpster: ahahahahahah losers

nancy drew: says the one that gets all hearteyes when ethel is aslEEP!

klumpster: stfu bebby

blue jasmine: leave bae alone dumpster

klumpster: dumpster???????

muggz: hey guys i'm here i wasn't asleep!!! i'm just hiding from betty bc she's being annoying

pussy queen: when isn't betty annoying

nancy drew: o u c h.

muggz: also stop teasing midge I'M the only one who can tease midge. ;)

pussy dame: gay silence

pussy queen: shocked look

ginger spice: mouth wide open in shookedness

tina cohen-chang: everyone crowds around the mirror

pussy princess: and fixes their wigs

snake girl: wig did u just say wig

cherry cola: DO DO DO DO DO DO mmm DODODOPpp THE CALIFORNIANS

witch bitch: AAHAHHSSDGIUSDDSGUI I HATE ALL OF YOU

blue jasmine: mr muggs???? mr muggs??????? oh god he's gone isn't he

nancy drew: i really don't like what that winky face implies

muggz: ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

pussy queen: our virgin sacrifice is no longer a virgin what do we do

pussy princess: die.

pussy queen: good thinking valerie

cherry cola: idk why all y'all are freaking out over ethel possibly being sinful but i'm still shook over the fact toni thinks i'm not a proficient lover

snake girl: you're fucking god awful in bed cheryl ngl

cherry cola: explain.

snake girl: you're a literal pillow princess

cherry cola: AWWW TONI YOU THINK I'M A PRINCESS?

snake girl: .....fucking christ i'm gonna fucking hurl myself off a cliff what the fuck

blue jasmine: she missed the point didn't she

cherry cola: SHUSTSTSTS UP

snake girl: my arms are tired if we're gonna be in an actual relationship you gotta put in work

cherry cola: work work work work work

cherry cola: you don't gotta go to work work work work work work work

cherry cola: let my body do the work work work work work work work

cherry cola: we can work from home oHHH oHHHHH

snake girl: j e s u s christ am i dating a five year old

blue jasmine: dating?

nancy drew: dating?????????

pussy queen: DATING

klumpster: dating!?!?!?!?!?!?

muggz: dating!!!!1!!!!11111

snake girl: I TAKE THAT BACK CAUSE YOU ALL ARE FIVE TOO AND CHERYL IS SLIGHTLY MORE IMMATURE THAN YOU

snake girl: we r not dating

cherry cola: ouch

pussy princess: hey cheryl just so u know u are valid it's ok to be a pillow princess

pussy dame: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ENCOURAGING HER

cherry cola: i am valid....

cherry cola: i don't need to cut my nails bc antoinette is whiny and complains too much

snake girl: disgusted noise

nancy drew: i'm so...veronica and i are not this problematic.

blue jasmine: you can be a pillow princess too betty....

nancy drew: !!!! UM I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS EXPOSURE???

witch bitch: YAY SALEM IS HOME EVERYTHING IS OKAY NOW

pussy queen: i completely forgot that salem was the first topic of our conversation... this chat always goes in way too many circles


	35. stretchy booty smack cult

tina cohen-chang: i have a question

ginger spice: no

tina cohen-chang: what

pussy queen: what i was singing in the shower after vixens practice is not the pussycats' next single

tina cohen-chang: I KNOW SHOWER BY BECKY GAY IS NOT YOUR SONG

klumpster: becky gay

muggz: i thought her name was becky g?

klumpster: no babe it's becky gay

tina cohen-chang: are you mocking me?????

pussy princess: tina we're always mocking you

pussy dame: ^

tina cohen-chang: ow wtf i just wanna ask my gd question

ginger spice: wait where are all the main people

pussy queen: i'm a main tho????

muggz: you are and we love you josie

ginger spice: beronica and choni are on a double date

pussy dame: !!!!!! THAT'S MY GAYS

pussy princess: and sabrina?

witch bitch: AND I WAS SINGING LIKE OHH OH OH PARTY TIL THE SUN COMES UP OHH OH OH WE'LL STAY YOUNG FOREVER NOW OHH OH OH DANCE UNTIL THE PILLS WEAR OFF OHH OH OH ITS A PARTY AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE

muggz: ...

klumpster: ...

pussy princess: ...

pussy queen: ...

ginger spice: ...

tina cohen-chang: i love the new sabrina spellman single?

witch bitch: no fr i'm having a party and you should all come

muggz: no thanks

witch bitch: fuck u barb

muggz: hEY THAT WAS SO UNCALLED FOR

tina cohen-chang: GOD DAMMIT LET ME ASKA  QUESTION

tina cohen-chang: inhale

tina cohen-chang: what's with us and our obsession over asses

tina cohen-chang: exhale

pussy queen: asses are great tho? and we all have great asses

pussy queen: except for midge

klumpster: :(

cherry cola: hello it me

cherry cola: betty, veronica, toni, and i have been stalking this convo for a while

snake girl: yo

blue jasmine: hii

nancy drew: i also have a valid question: why do we always smack them?

nancy drew: and then blame it on someone else????

blue jasmine: bc its funny

cherry cola: you mean like when toni smacked my ass and then blamed sabrina?

cherry cola: WHO WASN'T EVEN THERE?????

snake girl: idk what u mean it was sabrina shes got long arms

witch bitch: it was a stretchy booty smack

snake girl: sEE SHE ADMITS IT

snake girl changed the chat's name to STRETCHY BOOTY SMACK CULT.

blue jasmine: b i'm gonna smack your ass with my stretchy arms

nancy drew: ....you're right next to me.

blue jasmine: good point i'll just smack your ass the normal way

nancy drew: i will run you over with a car if you even think about touching me there

klumpster: what would dark bebby think?

nancy drew: dark bebby would shove her wig up your ass

klumpster: OOOH WIG I KNOW I FEEL THAT ALREADY

pussy queen asdfghjkl NOOOOOOO

snake girl: also sabrina if you smack my girl's ass again i will annihilate you

ginger spice: mY gIrL aAHHHHH

cherry cola: BUT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SMACKED ME??????

snake girl: no it was sabrina

cherry cola: oh my fuck and you say i'm the child in our relationship

tina cohen-chang: relationship!!!!!!

pussy princess: aww you guys are so adorable

blue jasmine: guys i'm gonna leak choni reacting to this in person

blue jasmine: cheryl's blUSHING

blue jasmine: [video attached]

pussy queen: tag yourself i'm toni biting her lip and looking at cheryl like she's the goddamn universe

pussy princess: i'm cheryl as red as her flannel shirt....... or is she wearing toni's????

muggz: i'm veronica giggling

pussy dame: i'm betty begging veronica to pay attention to her

klumpster: i'm pop tate

ginger spice: i'm jughead watching everything go down from his booth at the other side of the diner

witch bitch: i'm the whipped cream on toni's nose

tina cohen-chang: i'm the strawberry in cheryl's milkshake

cherry cola: i just wanna hang out with my baby, my occasional friend, and my cousin in peace

cherry cola: y'all just want to rUIN EVERYTHING

witch bitch: aww cheryl do u want a stretchy booty smack

snake girl: DONT TOUCH MY GIRLFRIEND'S ASS HOE

muggz: wheeeeeezeeee girlfriend

cherry cola: y'all acting like us being a couple is news we just deny it for FUN

witch bitch: ......it's a party at my parents' house


	36. press f to pay respects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> riverdale: does one of my favorite girls dirty
> 
> me: if it hadn’t been for the fact that you’re offering choni, i would’ve slaughtered you.

ginger spice: midge klump is dead press f to pay respects

cherry cola: f

snake girl: f

nancy drew: f

tina cohen-chang: f

witch bitch: WIATAT WHAT SHES DEAD??

witch bitch: oh and f

pussy queen: f

blue jasmine: f

muggz: f

pussy princess: f

pussy dame: f

klumpster: what the fuck

klumpster: IM NOT DEAD YOU ASSHOLES

klumpster: WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS ARE YOU IM

cherry cola: bitch i clearly saw you with several sharp objects in you

pussy queen: ghost midge

pussy queen changed the chat’s name to klumpy ghost.

witch bitch: but but but stretchy booty smack cult!!!

witch bitch: maybe since midge is dead she can give me a ghostly booty smack

klumpster: IM NOT DEAD IM NOT A GHOST

pussy princess: THEN WHO THE FACK WAS THAT ON STAGE

klumpster: that was my cousin….

klumpster: pidge dump

cherry cola: well she’s rly ugly

snake girl: CHERYL

cherry cola: WHAT

klumpster: she really is

muggz: no you’re not sjjdjsjshs

pussy dame: this musical was a disaster let’s be honest

tina cohen-chang: mostly bc archie’s singing

nancy drew: HEY HE WAS HALF DECENT

blue jasmine: hey betty we’re dating you don’t have to lie and defend archie anymore

witch bitch: singing is for people who are privileged and have too much time on their hands

witch bitch: i have girls to torment and a school to run

snake girl: wow can we trade lives

snake girl: wait that’s basically my gf’s life so i’d be dating myself

cherry cola: i’d date myself

cherry cola: im fucking hot

blue jasmine: accurate

pussy queen: yep

witch bitch: very true

muggz: but i’m the better redhead

cherry cola: normally id say fight me but you deserve happiness and good fortune ethel

nancy drew: yeah at least you’re not dead

klumpster: I AM NOT DEAD OH MY GOD

tina cohen-chang: it’s ok the first stage is denial

klumpster: YOU ALL SUCK EXCEPT FOR ETHEL

snake girl: you better not be talking shit about my girl

cherry cola: toni you can’t defend me all the time i’m allowed to be wrong and face consequences for my actions

nancy drew: lol you face consequences for your actions??? loser, i am above that.

pussy princess: *annoyed gay sigh*

ginger spice: can we please kick out betty

nancy drew: no

witch bitch changed the chat’s name to klumpy ghost and her stretchy booty smacks.

witch bitch: hooty hoo

klumpster: i have… no words

klumpster: pidge didn’t die for this

pussy queen: no u did

blue jasmine: RELAX GUYS ITS GETTING OUT OF HAND

cherry cola: veronica a girl DIED you insensitive BITCH

blue jasmine: ……

klumpster: i didn’t die last night but now i’m kind of wishing i did

klumpster: you all are ANNOYINGGGG

snake girl: except for cheryl

cherry cola: mah poor gay heart i wanna kiss ur face u cute serpent queen

klumpster: ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME

tina cohen-chang: choni stop being insensitive a dead girl is trying to speak her mind

muggz: ok guys seriously let’s not

pussy queen: it was fun while it lasted

klumpster: byE


End file.
